My strangenes...

No, hot sauce doesn't go in coffee.. I sure almost put it there however.. hehhe.  Damn creamer was hiding and I looked right at it and still grabbed Hot sauce.. My wires are getting more frayed I guess. Last week and half I cant seem to control it at all..  that is why I have refrained from cooking, lawn equipment.. yard work, cutting stuff.. sharp objects.. ya know anything dangerous.. BECAUSE I HAVE BECOME HAZORDOUS TO MY OWN HEALTH. The harder I try to control it.. the worse it gets.. Ok.. I give in. My confusion is crazy.. I could not even begin to tell you examples or you would  plea to have me committed.. lol  WHAT A GREAT DAY IT IS TO BE ALIVE.
Fall College Football starts today.. yay.. My team plays at lunch time.. Phils at like 3 or 4.. so I know when he will be home from fishing! SAD but true.
With Fall sports comes more things that fall on his priority list before me. At least I know that going into the season however...   His list seems to just keep getting longer.. it is so hard to keep track of these days.. Let's see.. uumm. Fishing, .. AND ANYTHING AND ALL THAT GOES WITH FISHIN'...Boat, Truck, Harley, Work, Sports.. especially Football and Basketball, Racing, anything TN … the list goes on. It may not be in that exact order.. but they still ALL COME BEFORE ME !  Oh, yes I cant forget his phone, His Friends, FB, Videos, Texting Talking on cell.. his games.. THOSE ALWAYS COME BEFORE ME. Everyday it just gets worse. Maybe if I called him.. he would talk to me.. or maybe if I made videos for him.. shit would change.. But doubt it.. that only gets his attention when its his friends. OH WELL..  Fuckers 👌
I tried to talk with him last night (gotta beg for his attention).. and I got .. "WELL, JUST GO DOUBLE UP ON YOUR MEDICATION ! That and well get in bed and go rest .. are the only things that come out of his mouth.. but when I do  that.. I get attitude for that too. I cant win period..
THE PROBLEM IS.. I NEED TO STOP THINKING HE CARES AND OR ANYONES ELSE CARES AND I JUST NEED TO FLOW WITH SHIT UNTIL I FINALLY GET MY NUMBER CALLED. It is the ONLY option I have left ~ .. Done now.. I am over talking about this for today.. Maybe before he gets home.. I will be gone already who knows.. With Jades issues and all I am dealing with.. maybe today will be the day.. Jades issues I am dealing with.. DAMN, THAT IS A WHOLE OTHER BOOK. The stress level is through the roof.. on the shit meter.. it goes way past 100.. I think its infinity for me.. see another sign.. HEHAHAHAH
I figured with my Bday being in a few days.. he would put aside fishing and his fun... for one day and we could go do something .. or maybe he would take me somewhere for the weekend.. BUT NOPE ! Love is what you do.. and this is why I KNOW.. he stopped loving me a long time ago. I need to get it through my head and realize this.. STOP THINKING AND HOPING STUFF WILL GET BETTER. STOP SETTING MYSELF UP FOR FAILURE.. Yea well..
My strangeness continues.. and each hour gets worse.. Well at least I can still kindah laugh at myself a bit. When I stop that.. it is end of game.