Scattered memos to Nobody: What now?

Friday, August 16, 2019

What now?

Giving your full heart and getting barely just 1% back truly sucks big time.. Just not fair..., I mean I know life isn't fair by any means, but I keep thinking.. maybe.. just maybe I will be cut a break.. Yeah, that will never come. When you hurt so bad and still have nothing.. what do you do? How is one suppose to handle that? Yes... I guess I will just be making this shit up as I go along.. because no one prepares you for this shit.. and even if you were taught something to help.. yeah.. it still wouldn't work.. because then life would be entirely TOOOOOO easy. If it was just on one front... then I could deal so much better.. but its at every turn.. its along each path.. and its a huge abyss that keeps showing up right in front of you!!! WHAT THEN?? IT'S KILLING ME.. IT IS MY HELL.
Really I am still at the same place I was a week ago,, only a bit worse.. because more has been dangled in front of me that I will never be a part of.. Still the torture.. I get it life.. I REALLY DO.
That's why I wonder everyday WHY AM I STILL HERE?? I have no one.. I have nothing.. I just exist in the no quality of life.. locked up in a house.. I am being realistic and stating facts.. I am not trying to be a sap whiny baby.. I am just stating what is..... MY LIFE .
It's Friday.. YAY.. really it doesn't matter what day it is though .. they just all seem to flow together these days.. Bleh !!!
* Keep calm.. avoid selfish ppl today
* Do not fall for that crap that the older you get... shit gets easier and you become wiser.. Because that is not always the case. When you are ill as I am.. shit never gets easier and the stuff you learn.. you tend to forget.. or it doesn't matter because everyone around you is playing a completely different game .. as people did back in the day.
* The saying goes.. you cant reach for anything new if your hands are full of yesterdays junk, but that's a set up also.. we can not control others and choices and decisions that effect us.. that were made by someone or everyone else.. DONT FOOL YOURSELF.. You will fail. YOU WILL FAIL !!
* The only thing you can do is: Follow your intuition, be smart, be brave, be you, tell the truth.. but take no shit ~

Adventures still to be had

My list is long.. (but I'm condensing to only 10 things)

Learn to play Chess
Learn to play Piano
Sky Diving
Hot Air Balloon ride over Grand Canyon
Visit Arlington Cemetery.. Tomb of Unknown Soldier etc
See Mt. Rushmore
See Lady Liberty up close & in person
Visit Hawaii.. see Volcano in person
After Sooooo many years of Marriage.. I would love to have an actual Wedding ceremony or re-new vows and do something in grand style
Have a Day.. with no pain, no sickness, no ggrrr… just have one PEACEFUL and HARMONIOUS day

Seeing as how I left so many out.. I might change this from time to time to add other stuff in the mix .Keeping it real people.. just keeping it REAL !

Lighten up Already

A man walks into a bar and sees his friend sitting beside a 12-inch pianist. He says to his friend, "That's amazing. How did you get that?"

The man pulls out a bottle and tells him to rub it and make a wish. He rubs the bottle, and a puff of smoke pops out and tells him that he can have one wish. So the man thinks and says, "I wish I had a million bucks."

The genie says, "OK, go outside, and your wish will be granted."

The man goes outside, but all he finds are ducks filling the sky and roads. He goes back in and tells his friend what happend, and his friend replies, "I know. Did you really think I wanted a 12-inch pianist?"