a quickie...

Been sick.. lots going on. Christmas was amazing,, pretty sure its my last one.
Jade the usual.. phil the usual.. Bo still a struggle.. My health crazy.. Family things to catch you up on and a health update will be soon. I don't have much time right now to type and share and my fingers are bad and eyes too. Later when I can and am up for it.. I will be back on and share, share, share..
But for now I leave you with well wishes for a great Monday and a Happy New Years Eve ~

2019 almost here..

Thursdays' Memo

To self of course..

TRUST NOONE.. BUT YOURSELF  (PERIOD)

My beauty break from Reality

Just a regular Wednesday

I always try to be upbeat about the new day. I always send prayers and well wishes to everyone on social media.. I always try to act like the day I am in.. is just dandy , but the reality is.. it's just not.
My daughter still is MIA.. my hubby is doing his daily thing.. which does me no favors. The dogs are driving me nuts. Fire stick isn't working .. so cant watch the end of my movie I started.. ( the new Aquaman movie).. ggrrr. Losing everything I seem to pick up. Put plants in side last night cuz freezing weather and didn't think about heater vent.. so plants all screwed up.. hope they don't die. Spilled everything. Had to rewash laundry.. I have just been "spinning in circles" all day damn it !
Christmas tree and decorations aren't helping my mood one bit.. and even the presents under the tree.. I just want to throw them all in the trash.. because that's not what Christmas is about and I am so upset and frustrated with our relationships right now.. ITS NOT CHRSITAMSY AT ALL !!
Hubby and daughter aren't talking .. cuz her stupidity.. Hubby not dealing with stuff and wont talk to me about things that need to be hashed out or whatever.. My Bo is sick.. Luke and Blanco are assholes and don't help anything,, so furbaby situation is just nutty. I have nothing, no one, and am alone in everything.. and my oldest daughter is pregnant and I cant be part of any of it.. FRUSTRATING AND EXTREMELY HEART BREAKING.. and no one has my back n I have NO SUPPORT. I just find myself again today.. just wishing I would die already and wondering why am I here? Why am I still alive? FUCKING WHY WHY WHY?? I don't get it.. I don't understand at all. I have no meaning. No purpose.. nothing.
I have been in such horrible pain and last night I could barely take it ….the spasms were so bad etc,, I let out a huge scream of pain.. my hubby was laying right beside me and never even acknowledged it or me. I just found myself crying myself to sleep again .. but I got up positive even though sick and not feeling well.. still started the day out on a positive note.. just to be thrust back in the " why" world again. Even social media doesn't help... one of those days where no one replies. no one reaches back.. no one even cares enough to send you a friggin smiley face...  WHY waste my time..?
Scenario.. so I post something awesome.. get no reply .. no comments .. nothing.. a friend shares my post like 2 minutes later and everyone replies and etc or their post.. what the hell? and we have loads of in common friends.. that I know saw it when I posted but choose to post on my other friends post instead. I just don't get it. I am reaching out so badly for even the smallest connection and cant even get one on FB of all places. I think I just need to stop FB. It only makes me feel worse.. truth be told.
Screw FB.. screw them.. Screw everything today and everyday actually.

1400

Ya ever feel like you are just spinning?....

Well my friends.. that means you are . Hate to be the dream and fantasy land fucker-upper.. but facts are facts. If you write notes and stuff still does not get done.... If you do the same shit over and over thinking you will get a different response from others around you.. if you do half the shit I personally do each day just to feel love and validation... you are just wasting your time and spinning in circles for no reason my friends !! ~ STOP ALREADY ~ JUST STOP

Wednesday random... WTF's :
When people that live right next to you send your Christmas cards in the mail.. and informing you that have moved.. well duh.. I know you have moved.. I live next to you. Yes true story.
I thought maybe it was just me being emotional.. because I gave them cards or put them in their mailboxes.. when one friend did it.. I was upset.. not a Christmas well wish but a last minute .. we have moved card.. not even personalized. I was upset.. Then when my other neighbor did it too... that we don't know well.. just met few months ago.. I was in you gotta be kiddin me mode.. was not personalized, a picture of family and they had moved announcement.. well frikkin duh.. I LIVE RIGHT NEXT TO YOU. I KNOW YOU MOVED. I didn't even want or expect a card back.. but the fact they added me last minute and just sent stupid shit to me in the mail.. when I live next door.. then kinda spun me into a different mode. I thought to myself then.. maybe its not them.. maybe its me. Fucking expectations get me every time . I was sad... I cried!! If they were going to take the time to put a printed label on the envelop and mail it.. I didn't mean enough to them to just walk over and them give me just a cheesy personalized card. My ahha moment …. they just don't care about me at all. Sorry they wasted their time on the labels and money on another stamp. OMG
The one neighbors we just met.. I didn't really take that to heart, but the friends we have had for many many years... THAT WAS FUCKED UP. Just my take on the situation.
They tried to make good by getting us a Christmas Present.. but still didn't change anything. The gift was a candle ( they already had), canned apple butter jelly ( they already had)..  and yes they did get us a beautiful new tree ornament for our new home.. so a drop of thought went into that.. but really.. that did  not change the situation… Nice gift bag from a neighbor.. that really just left me more upset. Just me. I know.. I am a horrible person I suppose.. At least that is what my son-in-law says about me !!! GGGRRRRR

Guilty.. I am

I am in official Grinch mode now.. with good reason and authority of course. I have tried for days to get in the spirit.. but my situation is so grimm, its just not working. That would also be the reason there are no Christmas graphics etc scattered about my page.. WHY ? None are needed ..  But here is something cute anyways.. heheheheh

Hard day indeed

No filter Monday.. It's a bad day here. Swelling everywhere, horrible pain, throat closing up, cant eat, exhausted but cant rest, hit my foot again and ripped off a toenail, my nails have been growing back but in last 3 days I have broken 5 of them.. ggrrrrrr.

Brain fog heavy, cant talk right, crying, went to the bathroom on myself 2 times already since 0800.. and its 12:34 now.. muscles being assholes, having trouble seeing, tasting, and hearing,.. couldn't even drink my coffee this morning, No coordination at all,, keep dropping everything I touch, HATE THAT.  weight this a.m.. hhmm.. let me go weigh.. BRB

168.6 hhmm.. so many issues.. so little patience to type them in for an update..

Think I am going back to bed.. I feed dogs lunch and done only what I had to do today.. so I am good.. screw everyone else.. screw everything.. I am off duty today sumbitches. DEAL WITH IT!

X-mas Spirit ..MS style...

Keeping humor is key .. I say.

I have many Auto-immune diseases that I deal with, but MS is something that I say first so people understand the severity of my illnesses. If you were to ask ANY of my family members they wouldn't even be able to tell you any of my diseases or issues ..except for MS.. and then they couldn't tell you what kind,, what stage, what treatment I use... they COULDNT TELL YOU ANYTHING !

How blessed am I. Now, see why I say .. having humor is KEY ?

ELF WATCH DAY 17

Be Bold. Be Heard. DO NOT BE IGNORED ANY LONGER

Most people that have diseases that are unseen .. like me.. think they have to go unheard and ignored.. like I do.. but I am here to tell you.. you need to be strong, You need to be heard, people are stupid.. they don't get it.. speak out and speak loud. Stand up for you, because no one else is going to !!

When you get barked at for not going to bed .. when others do .. because your insomnia is so bad.. don't let them make you cry and feel guilty.

When they are always on their phones, electrical devices,, etc and 

you never say a word.. then when you get on yours... they treat you like dogshit and as if you don't have a life and shouldn't be on your phone.. stand your ground.

When you get yelled at, laughed at,  or teased.. for speaking backwards or freaking out over stuff being in disarray or backwards.. or get called names.. because you are trying new methods so  you don't get confused or overwhelmed.. speak out.. tell them to deal with it.. explain first your reasons.. but if it still continues and just gets worse.. ignore them.. tell them to screw off.. stop crying.. get mad,, and do what you need to do for you. If you don't. all these feeling and things that you need to say everyday.. get clogged up inside you and you loose not only yourself, but your damn mind.

Its ok to forget stuff.. its ok to make  mistakes.. its ok to struggle.. and if you have no TEAM of support or CIRCLE of love .. and you are on your own.. you have to be strong.. screw them.

NO SURRENDER BITCHES !!!

selflessness is WAY overrated

I always say that December is the month that everyone should be selfless all month long .. as kind of a challenge. I try to get others on board, but yeah.. that's not working at all this year. Damn it !!!
I cant be upset though.. I cant stress over things I cant control!!!!!!!!!
And I need to let go of expectations... because that is how I get my feelings hurt , and get let down ,, EVERYDAY.
It has always been about starting out small and growing to larger steps that make people .. well better people. If they get in a  habit of doing for others first etc... then just maybe they feel better and become better people and stay selfless all year long.
I have kind of given up already and its only 17th of December today. I am just well past exhausted and selfless outted I suppose..
I cant think of anyone more selfless than I .
When one gives up their home, their life, everything they do and know,, to move to another state and completely start over.. not counting all the extra variables in that scenario.... that is selfless. To sacrifice their happiness for their special others wishes and joys.
When one gives up a relationship with their oldest beautiful child.. so her husband will be happy and content.. that is selfless.. and deeply heartbreaking .
When ones gives up their last freedom.. the joy of driving for their other child.. when u give up your vehicle.. so your child has a car to drive.. even though its not appreciated or respected.. that is selflessness.
When ones gives up personal items that are cherished just so others will have things they need.. like clothes on their backs, shoes on their feet, and coats.. so they will stay warm in the very cold winter season.. that is selfless.
When one will give others a roof over their head.. so they have shelter.. When one gives the last penny in her wallet.. so that someone can go get a doughnut to eat.. that is selflessness !!!!
When one is the only one to always reach out and try to make sure all are taken care of first , everyone is happy,,, etc.. that is being selfless !!!
Maybe I am an idiot.. I don't know for sure.. but either way I think I am giving up on trying to show others what selflessness is !
(sad indeed)

Few shots from the Casa

A few things have changed inside and outside over the last couple days.. But I think it doesn't really matter what stuff looks like,, because the importance and meaning of love and this season isn't in our house anymore and there is no reason why I should deny that.. !!!

SO THESE ARE JUST PICTURES

Christmas will soon be here

Been MIA I know... Been sick and so much going on.. I will catch y'all up I promise.. hahahhah
Saturday here and all is .. well as usual. Everyone is gone except me and I struggle and am sick , by myself, and NOONE gives a shit.. Yep... the usual.

if ya ever.. YOU ARE NOT ALONE ~

1. Wanted to punch a family member in the face , as soon as you see them.. you aren't alone
2. Wanted to not answer the phone because you know the stupid shit you will hear on the other end.. you are not alone
3. Wanted to get in the car just suddenly and drive away quickly
4. Wanted to get in the tub, and not come back out
5. Wanted to just avoid everyone in the house because everyday is the same shit
6. Wanted to do something small just outta spite to mess with some one in your house
7. Wanted to undo internet connection or devices in the house just to keep people off their devices
8. Wanted to pretend you don't know the people around you because they all are being just buttass stupid
9. Wanted to just not talk to anyone again forever
10. Wanted to just close your eyes and it is all gone

O, Social Media

SO, yesterday I posted pics on FB and I get nasty grams saying my access was limited and I went against their community standards.. someone messing with my page too.. I had been hacked.. hw funny.. SO this is one of  the pics it deleted.. LMAO