And what did you ask for?...

Everyone always says... I never specify.. well I stopped doing that for multiple reasons.. but here is example of one HUGE  reason.. right here..
What I asked for... for my bday.. Not all.. just like one of them.. ❤😀

or small new bags for the boards we have.. Ha

All small and inexpensive items that I really wanted and liked .. and things that would help me stay geared to looking better, doing more,, and feeling better..

And this is what I got..

Which I love candles.. etc.. But seriously.. that is what he got our friend and neighbor the other day for her bday.. not same scents.. but damn.. REALLY.. the SAME generic gift.. WOW !!

I just wanted nice messages saying hey and thinking about ya.. which didn't come !

and I thought maybe dinner with fam, take out for dinner, yummy something for desert.. you know..? and I woke to flowers.. which were awesome.. card, and candles, custard.. spent day by myself sick until almost 5.  He Never shrugged about dinner.. wanted me to cook.. Stopped and got ice cream.. but no one especially me wanted Ice cream.. I just wanted a donut .. like now for week and half been asking.. anyways.. he eats.. later so we could have some kind of bday hoorah.. I said lets eat drop of cake.. small piece .. then I got sicker..

 shit got worse .. He tells jade later on phone to bring home donuts.. that got here at midnight.. better late than never I suppose.. But the day was just like any other day if not worse !! BDAYS SUCK..

Everything was just weird and off.. Everything was unsettled.. it was just a yuck Thursday..

So.. now you know why I never ask for stuff anymore... because when I say stuff or ask.. it never comes.. I am always let down, cast aside, and side tracked.. I am tired of that.

Kinda like other stuff though.. I ask, beg, show, tell, etc and still nothing.. no help, no concern, nothing. and this is why I don't like living most days !!! JUST SAYIN ' !!

Good note however.. I decided this morning early.. I was going to buy me one thing and I picked the sweatshirt.. the one with Pink on top.

GO ME !!

ugghhh huh

I don't get why people have to pretend you are a bad person.. so they don't feel guilty about the things they did  to you..and them being a shit person! God forbid they be accountable for their bullshit. Oh wait ! I already did that post.. 😛
 The moral of that and most other stories I spew out in this blog.. are that one CAN NOT Febreeze bullshit ! It is still bullshit no matter what you sprinkle on it bitches. Get real already Mo Fo's.. for fucks sake batman.
And this though:
Ppl there is HUGE difference between empathy and sympathy!! Let me save you some time googling this.
* Sympathy is when you feel and show compassion towards someone and or their situation.
* Empathy is when you UNDERSTAND their situation etc.. because you have been in that scenario/ situation before yourself. YOU CAN COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND WHAT THEY ARE FEELING AND OR ARE  MIGHT BE GOING THROUGH !!!!
You might wanna think about that before you just start spouting shit out there. People get upset over that shit real quick.. especially these days !! Just a thought.. figured I would share.. since most people still aren't grasping the concept !
The phrase that comes to mind right now is.. Some people are just beautifully wrapped boxes of shit.. well and most aren't even wrapped nicely these days.. cuz they don't care.. no one fucking cares anymore ! GGGrrr...
In my mind.. there are still 2 different kinds of people out there.. ones raised on love.. others raised on survival.. and that affects and outlines the paths that will be taken. IT JUST IS ! You may disagree and that's ok.. but, at least think about that for a second.. you will see.. I am pretty much nailing it on the head there!
Time for todays things to remember when you are going through rough patches:
* Everything can and will change again
* You can overcome anything if it is meant to be
*You should try to focus on things as being a learning experience
* Things that even you don't want or don't get.. can be a blessing.. one never knows
* Remember to have fun.. we need fun in our lives.. that is why I try to keep  my humor and do the crazy things I do.
*Give yourself a fucking break
*Other people really aren't worth you worrying over all the time !!!!!
*And try to think to yourself daily .. that even though things are shit.. there is and can be beauty out there too. Try to keep that head up and somehow embrace not only the suck but the THANKFULNESS of things too !

Bday Blowout.. whoopps.. I mean "BOMB"

Another day the internet is acting screwy.. Go figure. At least yesterday I could watch my movie.. Ready or Not.. all that time and fuss and it wasn't even as good as I thought it would be.. that's what happens when I set myself up for failure.. oh well. I found myself watching Hellboy also.. hhmm.. Really yesterday sucked ass and was very sad and depressing for me..it also was a true eye opener and reminder however.. That even though I think each day will be better and brighter it is NOT going to happen.
The day started out with promises.. I was open to it and excited( believe it or not).. and by lunch.. yeah that was all gone. With each passing second of the clock.. shit just got worse and worse.
In the end I did spend a drop of time with hubby and it was like any other day or worse really.. yesterday was suppose to be a day to celebrate me and yeah that didn't happen on any plane.. !
I did however get my crispy cream donut at like midnight last night and a kiss.. still haven't touched the donuts.. waiting for Jade to get up.. so basically that will be sometime this afternoon probably. WELL IT IS THE TRUTH. I tell no lies.. cuz honestly I couldn't make this shit up,, even if I tried really really hard.
The facts.. my neighbors hid from me as to not have to tell me happy bday.. The people I have bent over backwards for and reached out to at every end.. didn't even say hi to me yesterday let alone a bday greeting. I was so sad.. then got pissed off etc and went through all the emotions.. Then people that are family that I have known most my life.. really showed me without a doubt they don't give a shit about me period.. Clear down to everyone of them... but one ...untagging themselves on a bday memory with awesome pics.. THAT HURT. I deleted them all on fb and I AM DONE. Just like with Mel situation.. I AM DONE. No more reaching out.. no more I am here when they need me.. no more nothing. I don't need them, Allmons Family, Phils family, My family.. NONE OF THEM. Screw them all.. so was I a bit worked up on my bday about ppl not even wishing me helloes .. YES, YES I WAS. I am not mad now.. FUCK THEM AND THEIR BS.. They are all just pissed I have a better life than them.. I was always too good for most of those bastards anyway.. they have always known it, I knew it, and everyone else knew it to. I just thought over the years however.. they would let all that go and just LOVE ME.. and nope.. SO FUCK THEM ALL !
Honestly I always lowered my self for them anyways.. and why should I ever do that.. !! Why? Well I wont anymore.. and like I said as for all the bitches around here.. to include neighbors I thought were friends.. well guess what.. You are gonna see a whole different Rene now mother fuckers.. I am tired of being used, treated like shit, taking advantage of.. etc.. You want something text or call someone else bitches !! I AM DONE !
Fake mother Fuckers up in this area,, and there s nothing more that I dislike than that !! FAKE FUCKERS are a waste of my moments,, especially when I don't have many of those left to live. Why keep hurting and crying because others are jealous of me and fucking petty bitches.. FUCK THAT.
So get your ideas, opinions, and shit from now on you clueless bitches.. I am done with the lot of you.
I have learned this lesson well and just one more sign proving to me.. I am not meant to have friends and a life here... that I am going to be gone soon. You can say my words are morbid, negative, or call it whatever you will.. I call it honesty, facts and what happens in my daily life. I own every bit of this bs crap in these suitcases strode about the floor. Period. I am sure I am forgetting and leaving a lot out,, Matter of fact I know I am.. but this is enough for me to remember... and others to just get a small glimpse of what my yesterday was like. Well oops.. I mean my everyday life here in Alabama.

We shall see, what the day brings

Yesterday I had so many things that were annoying the heck outta me... this morning.. it is just a past thought. I still had really weird dreams last night though.. that I am plagued with this morning.. ~
That will probably keep my noodle spinning most of today. Hahahah.
One thing today I will try not to let bother me.. I know it so just social media.. but being as I am sick etc.. Social media is my whole life pretty much.. so it tends to make me a bit irritated if people that should keep in touch don't and when I see friends have posted my stuff.. not shared.. not given me credit or a thank you like I do.. they didn't like it or anything.. they just saved it to their system and posted it on their pages without  giving me any credit.. like I don't know its mine.. they have posted my words etc.. and don't think I will know its from my page.. WTF really? Why do people do that.. I share people stuff all the time.. but I always give credit to them especially if it has their work or words on the graphic. People do stupid shit. LOL.
So, back to what I was saying.. I will try not to let that get my goat today.. ahahha.. Key word  ~ TRY.

~ SoMetimEs  I wrestle and struggle with my demons.. well most days.. But today I think I will try to just snuggle with them and watcha movie.. If my fire stick is cooperating that is. Internet been screwy last couple days.. been testing my nerves. LOL.. Bad, Bad INTERNET ...

Oh, Happy Day

Well.. it's another day, a Thursday, and just so happens to be my Bday.. yay me.. lol 😀
Been sick as hell .. only slept a couple hours.. but got up and been drinking coffee etc since early this a.m. before 0600.. I got to spend some morning time with my hubs before he left for work even.
It was nice.. He had my coffee ready in a hearts coffee mug.. AWWWWW...❤💋☕🌹
I got card from my dad, Kiss and surprise special made custard from my girl, flowers, card, and candles from the hubbs.... and I was able to buy me over the last couple days my fav perfume etc.. so I am lucky gal.. I raked up ! Just another day... SO NO WORRIES ON GETTING LOTS OF GOODIES.....
I even got lots of wishes on FB etc.. Text messages..

Humpday Randoms..

When you are in Alabama living off and on Georgia time...
When you change cigs thinking the new ones will taste the same, but they are not.. WOOOO.. they are strong
When it takes you a year to get used to your surroundings.. and still most times. it is fucking ya up.. Gotta get used to the South again .. humidity , people wise.. WELL EVERYTHING REALLY ! Damn. If I were well it would different I am sure.. I got out yesterday and went a few houses up and that screwed me up all night.. I am so over it !! Ggggrrr. The drainage is hitting me faster and the confusion.. I just wanna cry.. I realized I cant even walk up to a friends house without severe consequence now. My life sucks ass.. it does. The heat is getting me too.. really bad.. I hate not being able most times to still go outside and do outside stuff.
Watching cartoons thinking damn I need to change the channel and then saying nope .. my brain cant handle anything stronger right now !
Going into shut down .. hate that.. I like being a hermit but at the same time hate it too.. yeah, makes no sense to me either.

Things to look out for Today:
Changes in breathing
Cognition ( all ur reasoning * understanding)
Choking
Crying Spells
Dizziness
Emotional  Out bursting
Eye sight
Falling
Fatigue
Forgetting, Frustration, the fumbles
Tremors and Walking
Something to think about my friends in need... Don't pray for an easy life just pray for the strength to endure this difficult one you have been given!!!
Also, You do not have to prove your illnesses to ignorant people !!!

when???

When your list is long and your want is not

When your Love grows still but there is non for you

When your motivation is comprised and the non-doing wins out

When you are lost but need to find a comprise ..

When the days go by faster and you cant win

When everything demands you but you cant do it anymore

When is enough ... ENOUGH 

(Hearts)

Prayers for all in Dorians Path.. Bring healing & peace to those families whom have already lost loved ones.. due to this Monster..

Russell Dickerson - Every Little Thing

HAAAAA !!!

When it takes 2 hours to do a small 5 minute post I have issues.. hahhah. Plus, I lost my post like 3 times.. I gave up and moved on... Hope everyone had a good Labor day yesterday.. Ours turned out ok.. Yeah.. Bad thang though.. I have acquired someone's yuckiness again... Either Jade brought home to me from her crazy weekend or Phil from the stores yesterday.. Pretty sure both though. I was trying real hard to not get any sicker.. but here I go again.. Go figure.. Wouldn't be my birthday week any other way.. Fuckity Fuckity.. FUCK. I hate having added infections.

Questions.. Things.. I have pondered..
How long must we fight? I cannot stay in this. Nor will I stay in this.. I have shit to do.. lol
..left alone to bear up all these ills.. I have been...… gggrrr
After yesterday this crossed my mind a few times.. Well, its a rare thing to have an ingenious friend.. LOL

I found myself drifting out of sorts mentally again because all the ( HATE-LIKE) around me has gotten almost inbearable.. good lord I say ! Must it always be the BS over a difference in sports.. or something so trivial.. gggrrrr
I also am trying so hard not to get completely blogged down with my daughter too.. (youngest of course).. Her issues are like a roller coaster and she wants to take me along for the ride.. it is way toooooo much stress and worry for me.. I feel a stroke coming back on.. I had a TIA this a.m. at about 0430.. it took me until almost lunch to get back to almost where I was at originally.. which was certainly not a good place already..! Anyway,, she now has Ovarian cysts and soo much more bad medical news.. but she had advance warning and wouldn't listen or stop her shit and habits so know she is paying for it..I can barely keep track of all her shit these days.. SHE IS DRIVING ME TO MY DEATH..  I have to find a way to shut that shit out.. but seeing as how I am a good mom and a caring soul.. dont see that happening.. I CANT HELP BUT LOVE HER AND TRY  TO HELP.  I am at a loss.. not sure what and or where to go today.. Just got off phone with her and because I could only listen and give some advice..now my shit has increased and soon I must get to the bed and try to let it go or I will end up having a major stroke today.. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO ???
STAY POSITIVE... I MUST REMAIN POSITIVE..  This is from yesterdays follies around the house on Labor Day.. We cooked out , Watched Dazed and Confuzed.. CLASSIC.. and we had fun for a bit anyway.

Randoms:

Some signs:

Headaches and Tensions increase

Dread sets in.. for the next day or for things to come

When you feel overwhelmed, anxious, nervous, hopelessness sets in, apathy, resentment

Sleeping issues.. insomnia , frequent sleeping tooo long moments

When you are tired all the time, boredom, disillusion, difficulty with concentration

Stomach aches and other pains

Mistakes come more frequent

When your goals and things to do lists get smaller and smaller

When coping starts shutting down

Pushing yourself or even worse neglecting personal care and needs and also for others..

Denial, withdrawal, and any and all behavioral changes

Mental and or Physical Collapse

Do not become out of order. There are many ways and things you can try to help. Everyone feels different and may experience some or all of these and maybe in a different way.. But, just always look for this or anything that is changing. Good for one to keep track of and also others around you can use as a guide.. to follow what is happening to you  and how it effects you and others.

When you arent enjoying life and are not wanting to live but just survive.. it is time to get on with tips to help you manage this and or deal ..ie.. cope better.. 

There are so many things you can do to help, but I .. when other things were depleted.. started tightening my fists and holding the grip as long as I could at least 5 seconds.. then let all muscles loose and relax. Then try to move on to other muscles in your body.. just be careful though.. this if not done right can cause muscles spasms, cramps, Charlie horses etc.. and that sucks.. SO DO NOT DO THAT !! Breathing Techniques are a good place to start !!

Don't get stuck in unhealthy habits and it is ok to always take that brave face off. THAT BITCH CAN GO. You dont need that anymore peoples..

Rule of Thrumb to remember.. Anxiety is like the ocean.. it can be extremely stormy & wild at times

Like the weather.. it will pass and peace & calm will return in time !!!

Reach out for help Y'all. There are so many out there to help and each I am sure.. has its own methods that could work for you.

So waiting for cooler days to come.. Ready for Fuzzy socks... Strong yummy coffee.. Good books, Good movies.. and of course a strong wifi signal.. 

CCR-Fortunate Son.

September is here

Nihil est ab omni Parte beatum. ( Nothing is an unwanted Blessing.) - Horace

I will say again.. I can not rest from traveling... I will do as I must to live life in the lees.. all the times I have enjoyed greatly, have suffered greatly, both with those that loved me and alone... on shore and when thro' .. scudding drifts through the rainy Hyades.
Don't know how I am still here... but I am !
Vext the dim sea... I am.. and have become that...… hhmm maybe???? 
Pretty pic of the night sky last night.. and I could imagine and feel every layer.. so yep... this is I !!

Another CCR Morning ..

I don't know I just woke up singing their songs.. Must be a sign.. LOL

Greetings on this Labor Day

Kinda slow on the uptake Y'all… The weekend has now passed and it is Monday, 2 Sept, ..in other words it is Labor Day. I remember when this day meant something..sortah like the other holidays..Now it is just a 3 or 4 day weekend .. where people get drunk, party, and cook out. Instead of celebrating what the day was about.. it is now pretty much just known for the end of Summer.  One last blow out .. in everything... before Fall gets here. Fall in the South hhhmmm. Last year .. our first year back in the South the leaves didn't even completely fall off the trees.. and instead of going into a winter raking snow.. it was many days of raking nothing..
O my Laurel & Hardy on the boobtube this morning.. woohoooo . LMAO. YAY.
Wow. how easily distracted I get this a.m. but than again Phil is home.. and things are bit off.. so I am very scattered brained this a.m. I too, am only going on like 4 hours sleep in 5 days or so.. bit loopy I tell ya.
How do I celebrate Labor Day..? By doing Labor of course. Been up since O dark Thirty.. Cleaned out side back porch, did dishes, still doing laundry, played with and feed dogs, cleaned bedroom, vac'd the whole house.. Yes, I have been busy this morning. Jade In Atl.. doing photo shoot and work. Sparky went shopping and doing his stuff.. granted I don't know what else he could possibly buy at this point besides groceries.. because all he has done the last few days LITERALLY... IS BUY SHIT ONLINE. Clothes, fishing gloves, stuff for boat,  stuff for Harley * Truck...new awesome Speaker.. since he lost his other one.. I think someone stole it.. or it went in the River and he doesn't want to admit it however.. LOL.  And the shopping doesn't stop there. He has so much being sent to house we should keep all delivery men busy for at least 2 or weeks or so.  I CAN'T MAKE THIS UP FOLKS !
ENJOY YOUR DAY WITH FAMILY, FRIENDS, AND FELLOWSHIP MY PEOPLES.. ❤