4 YOU

Beauty vs. Bravery

 So many thoughts. So many words scribbled on envelopes, napkins, sticky pages, memos on cell.. shit is just in complete disarray EVERYWHERE. Only I can understand some ,. then again sometimes I cant even remember and or even read my own handwriting or conceive what I might have been thinking .. when that came out of me. I try to keep myself occupied.. cant read anymore.. but I can look at beautiful things ...

Wednesday beauty

 I hope your day is a blessed and safe one. watch out for the creatures out there!!!

 

All I know is....

 Yes, scattered memos everywhere.. I  am sure some of you are confused.. but than again so too am I. The only thing that makes sense to me is...

Social media has always been my go to.. and now FB, IG, and all the others mean nothing to me. They don't help anymore.. I have no connections or relationships.. anywhere and or with anyone.. Hence... these scattered thoughts.. hence this blog of tooooo and fros etc.  It is a beautiful Fall morning and I am very unwell. Half the day has gone by and I have heard nothing from anyone.. I am being ignored again.. but it is ok.. because today ... ends that. the last day here ...

It is ok.. I do not mind. I am so very ready ~

When it never ends..

When ya wanna scream your head off because even your family members seem to be  working against you... that fuckin sux.. let me tell ya.
When things that should have come first or been done months ago.. still arent done and the priorities are completely ass backwards. When no one does as they say they will. When u are just disreguarded and put off.. and left in the dark .. while everyone else is on vacation. While u do & do and all they do is spit in your face. Enough shit is enough. Come on end of the world.. why wait til December.. now in July is perfect timing.. really it is.  I dont think i have anything left to give.. anything left to share..or anything period !
One scoffs at what one does to me and how i am used, but doesnt seem to see.. they do the same fucking thing.. sometimes even worse
 So fucking tired. So fucking done.  Why am i trapped in this hell on earth.. anti-christ.. come on and take me ... or whatever.
Tired of pain, illness, trapped in hell situation.. etc !!
Can I plz exit stage left ???

Memo from July 2020

inDeeD

Hate when i get sucked in the abyss of selfish people. I always say... not again.. then I let it happen again.. and they know it ! Gotta be other ppls schedules... never mine. Go outta my way.. get used to the hill... etc and so on. Tired & sick of people. Tired and sick of it all. Fuck emotions. Fuck people... just fuck !!!!!

July 14th memo note... 

I wonder....

Trying to recall the perfect throwback song that has crossed my mind so many times in the last week.. but it eludes me... damn it !

There are now 2 me s..the one that prays for death.. and the one that just clings to everyday.. just surviving through. 

I waited to see.. if i meant anything.. and all the huge neon signs.. still flash no. I hang about still.. in the foyur.. looking at both doors thinking to myself.. it does not matter which door i grab the knob and turn.. damn if i do... and damn if i dont.. smacks me in the face.. like someone swinging a bag of rocks ... at me. Either door i walk through... matters not. 

I know .. the end is near.. but damned if i 'm not so fucking impatient. ... though. I think to myself.. its been 50 years... come on already... for fucks sake.

As I share a daily small story with him... he actually gives me a real response... for a change.. how does one deal with that ? Idk.. i just replied quickly and moved on... he now knows... i am forgetting our address, but I am trying so hard everyday... to remember things.. what will my stumbling blocks be today ? I have given myself ... no extra help... i have just drank the coffee and tried to keep my unstable mind in low gear.. maybe this will pass.. maybe not.. hhhmmmmm !

A new day dawning

I am such a sucker for something cute and or pretty.. It is almost sad... lol 

Mornin & Movie...

We shall see... If not this.. I will need to find something else that will keep me busy..😆

jUs sayin

We don’t have to see 👀 to 👀…. to stand 👤 to 👤…

No take backsiess..

Monday morning already.. The crowd is loud.. the stage is bright.. the screaming.. stinky game show host says…. well what are we gonna choose this a.m. ???? There are no prizes. There are no give backs. There are no trades or barters. What you pick … stays with you… So, what is it gonna be poppet?? Door 1 or door 2.. ya gotta pick one already. !! Hurry up.. I got other places to be. Walking towards the doors I already am crying.. I close my eyes.. reach for the knob… and so it is !

Just another Saturday a.m.

Yep,, I need more coffee to get through this morning... Hugggssssss

Game Day .....

 GO BIG BLUE.. GO WILDCATS.... Beat those damn TN Vols today.. 🏈💗💙

I  WILL ALWAYS BLEED BLUE... 

???

 

Just a ThOugHt

At least I have pretty stuff to look at.. while I am thinking about .. how shitty life is these days...

A lil diddy....

 I am so frustrated right now. My health is doing stupid shit again. That mysterious white stuff is coming outta my nose and stuff again.. My ears getting worse.. just sense yesterday.. and I can't sleep.. cant eat anything , and feel like death. Maybe that means .. its almost lights out for me. I am waiting Y'all.. I really am. 

My favorite time of the year is here in full motion and I am just setting here watching it.. like a fucking spectator sport. While everyone else does their life..IT FUCKING SUCKS. 

I have nothing. I am nothing. I miss living !!!

Missing it.. something terrible

I tried just chillin and reading this a.m., but my eyes and head hurt so bad.. yeah.. that didn't happen long. I MISS READING... I really do.. I am at the stage I want someone to  read to me or just listen to Podcats or Audible stuff.. SAD. I always have said.. reading is not the new listening.. but it seems I might have been corrected. Yucky. YUCK. Yuck yuck.

When your Friday feels like a Monday.. Yeppers

 A word from TW.. and John Cox Art

Jus Sayin' ... lmao

Y or N .. hhmmmmmm

Thursday is not lookin' 2 bright

 Oh, the shit Health update.. where to begin?... Blood and more blood in my mouth daily. Bones, tongue, throat, teeth, my whole mouth.. all getting worse and no one knows how bad , cuz no one listens to me and or cares any more.. so I just bare the pain and bullshit,.. so I just keep on.. keeping on. I still wake up every morning.. and the shit still is shit.. one day at a time.

The red bumps ( rash) still come and go.. or some stay.. looks like sepsis .. but what do I know after all right.. who the fuck knows any more. Dont eat much.. only reason I stay from 162-175 lbs.. is because I eat shit junk food and sweets.. but that is making my mouth and teeth horrible.. so I swap one evil for another one really. It just is !

I still am fighting off infections in the masses.  I get sick- when anyone looks at me pretty much.. the usual. Insomnia is killing me.. I live on sleeping pills just to get 2 hours of sleep everyday. It sux ass.. My back is bad again.. my muscles and bones get worse everyday... eyes, bad.. ears bad.. i have infections and etc with right ear,, and I am pretty sure I have the end of a q-tip stuck down in my ear canal.. I am so lost and so just done. Tremors are bad.. internal and external.. what's new ?  and i am pretty sure I had another TIA... yesterday.  My stress level and things are horrible. The anxiety is literally killing me..

I have fallen numerous times in the last 2 months. I have lost eye sight in right eye.. hearing.. and still my balance is so off.. I run into everything 50 times .. everyday.. I cant seem to get that squared away and in check, I am just lost most days.. So  much more.. but my eyes and thoughts, are now foggy and head hurts so I am getting off for now. ALL IS JUST GGGRRRRRR.. I will check back in later with more info..

hhmmmmmmmm

Sometimes.. all you need is this and love.. so it goes... but in the real world.. what a damn joke .. right? 

coffee only allows us to experience the bullshit.. fully caffeinated,, is all ~

 

15day......an a wish

 

Love and prayers from one survivor to all others out there.. Awareness is the key ! Check ur girls often.. 

All Month long... and everyday .. :)

 Make sure you check them taa-taas Y'all...  

💗💟💖💘💓

StIll feEls like a mOnDay...

 The last few days I attempted to do other Social Media, but I am just not feeling it.. between all that is happening and me and etc.. Phil. Jade. Pooter. Me... shit is still just nuts and I don't see my self around much longer hopefully...

I think my mind is kindah stuck in this fog ~

O, well... Another day .. more bs.. the usual.. teeheeeeee.. gonna be doing a health update on next entry hopefully.. lots been happening with me.. Tootles for now.. mwah👻💗

WhY I loVe Fall

 

Cute shit... round out .. the top of my reasons .. why I love Fall. It is the only thing I have.. DON'T judge me... 🍁🍂☕🌻💗

C vs. IP ( 2020)

 

Let the Protests begin.. well damn.. I was last on that one. The protesting has already began.. even though years ago,, on  this day.. Columbus Day had already been changed.  But with this being 2020.. everything is protested and ruined by idiots.. shit is so far outta control.. I will not even attempt here to start in on that.

Whatever you are celebrating today.. do something positive with it..  People have day off, some haven't even started working again due to covid- 19 .. and some are just whatever.. just a day to start and continue on with more bullshit.. GGGRRRRRRR 

First things first...

 Owwww.. weeee... man that was kindah scary , but I did not pop my nail off while baking.. ahhahah.

After October is over,    I have a feeling I will be finding pink nails everywhere.. couple have popped off due to shit nail glue.. out front, all over house.. lol.. first though.. lol... still funny..

Whaattttt?

 Funniest shit ever ! Well I did something today I have never done ever as long as I have been baking and cooking !!!

Will be checking the banana nut breads thoroughly before anyone eats them and debating whether I should say anything to Phil about it.. LMAO. He keeps shit from me .. ALL THE TIME ! Might ad  well... lol 

So.. ya wanna know what I did.. While mixing the ingredients.. I am pretty sure I popped one of my false nails off .. in the mix.. so somewhere in one of my breads is a pink nail .. supporting Breast Cancer awareness,, OH MY GOD,,.

SSHHHH.. don't tell ... This is gonna be interesting to say the least..  I am killing it today.. 0 for 100.. I am sure of that.. Damn.. am I sure its not a Monday?? hahahha😄

Day 6 ...

 

Pink it Forward Y'all....

Guessing I am lost !!!

 So, what the fuck... is it called.. when you have a great day and all is good... in your favor, and the then the next day.. just sucks ass.. everything goes wrong. ppl are shitty to u, you feel bad.. shit is just way off.... and I mean all the shit .. is way off. You woke up full of hope .. just to find out within 20 minutes that shit is just that.. shit !! even the dog stays in bed.. underneath all the covers.. cuz he senses and knows.. shit is not kosher in Denmark... or anywhere else for that matter. The furbaby didn't get up and uncover til 1100.. wow.. my dog is smart.

IDM... [ It DOESN'T Matter]

I do not understand for the life of me.. why people don't get me and don't understand. I  am not some complicated riddle. I tell people straight out. I ask right out. I state things repeatedly.. but still I am ignored, not listened to, or shrugged off.. and a lot of the time.. i am answered back... with what.. they think i like..

I will post repeatedly. I bring it up 50 times.. still doesn't matter.

I was told I'd go on post. Go to beach. Go to racetrack. Go to Savannah,.. go to Walking dead place... u name it.. 2 yrs now and nothing. 

I asked to go to waterfalls.. no dice. I asked to go to Auburn so many times.. tour , go see campus.. places to eat and window shop.. fuckin nothing.

I asked to go to racetrack like 5 times.. got completely ignored.

I came up with date night.. so we could see friends & go out.. did that once.. covid and shit hit.. but still with things being back open now etc.. i got shrugged off ! 

The guys have been gone for work and fishing.. but at beginning of Sept.. i said we should have a party when they got back.. WHY .. ? WHY? WHY? 

Nope ! I asked to go on the evening boat cruise on 18th.. it went on deaf ears. I said we needed to go to farm.. the pumpkin patch place. ..that too got ignored..  Halloween is coming soon and I have been shot down about everything. 

WTF... I HAVE NOTHING LEFT !!!