Message to be heard

I don't post these like I should anymore.. but this one is special.. especially today!
My house is now and always has.. an will always be..a safe zone.. (Firearms Welcome)..lol
Coffee can be on in minutes.. cold sweet Tea is in my fridge always, kitchen table is always non-judgmental (unless you are spitting on or talking crap about the good ole USA or my family and loved ones)!
Family and Friends wanting to chat are ALWAYS welcome.
We can talk, share a laugh and or cry, or I can just listen. If you are hungry.. I will feed you. If you are thirsty.. we shall drink. If you are tired .. there is ALWAYS a place.. safe place.. you can sleep and or just rest.  I will always do my best to be available to you and 4 you. 
YOU ARE ALWAYS WELCOME ~
I KNOW ..  this is old school.. but that's what I am so.. we can just put it all aside.
With todays tech .. we have lost the value of each other. Textin, video chatting, facetiming, whatever.. a gif,, and emoji is NOT the equivalent y'all.
I love you💓

So it is ...

Many days coffee is the caffeinated reset button for the frozen screen that is my frazzled and combobulated brain. Might need to take steps from my Fuckology book today.. HAHAHHA💕
If I were a squirrel I certainly would stop in my tracks about now, hold up my paws, and say Stop right there.. and have a good morning! Oh.. and of course make sure you don't step on my nuts y'all.. I need those bitches.. lmao.
Hoping that today.. you all have your anchor to the truth by your side. Tell them thank you and just how much you love them. That is important.. after all we have Friday the 13th and full moon approaching ..LMAO.

Have You Ever ...

love & adore these guys..

Give it a listen folks.. Just awesome .. are they.

Started this a.m. off the right way.. with music to help me to get through... which is still yet to show itself

Slay it my friends ~

Thinking out loud / Randoms

Missing the Country life.. Last few mornings well before the sun comes up.... I have been hearing our local beauties.. (Horses).. they live to the Southwest of us on the backside of the house and have been getting out of their fence last few days wondering the neighborhood talking and grazzzzin' hahaha. Horse sounds I have missed deep in my soul ! I love the Country life..O, yes.. I already said.. lol. I was raised it and it forever remains part of my deepest soul.
God mornin' hummers. Good Morning Squirrels. Good morning chipmunks, frogs, and coexisting lizards, birdies, etc.. and Good Morning Traffic sounds. Yep.. the hustle of a new day has begun. The stressfree greatness was great while it lasted.
The visions have all but come true now. The latest one.. the kids at Hospital something wrong with one of the boys.. but they will be ok and reunited soon.. I have seen it.. now just one thing left.. and that is I.
Jade and her ripple effects are all but started now. Community service, 2 jobs.. her growth.. living sober & clean. checks and balances in every sense. Don't wanna spill to much about her,, cuz it will never be done.. but I am proud she is coming full circle. Today contact lawyers see what's up and onward she goes with Bail Bonds ppl, court, drug classes, programs, Community services.. therapy.. etc etc etc. hopefully now she can get stuff off her record, stop all the BS, and get her better life started and move on to new chapter in her saga yet to come.
Devotion and Pride for ones roots. The love of where ya came from and who you are. Being a devoted fan even in times of defeat and error.. one that is true will always be there and never waiver in their convivtions and loyalty.
My itching has gone nuts. Never this bad and hit in total chaos. Right side numbness and needles. Left side extreme itching and spots and no spots just uncontrol able crap whereas.. I am ripping my skin off. Leg bad. Arm bad. Hand.. ggrrr. and first time ever my face & head. I am trying so hard to control it. It is winning hoever and have given instructions to all.. if you see me scratching or hear me crying come stop me and distract me. That wont help.. cuz they don't care.. but I had to try.

Monday memories.. of Years LONG past

Itsa ( Italian Ice) , Der Weinersnitchel specials (chili cheese yummies).. and hanging in the park.. underneath a huge tree on my blanket.. with a good book and open eye to all the people watching. Walking with my basket to the park singing out loud and enjoying the beauty of life., Staying at Park.. until I thought surely they would be sending a search party out for me. Walking back home.. and back to REALITY. Yes, no one missed me.. and I ENJOYED THE DAY !  And then to lay around on bed upside down and listen to some of the best music ever made.. THE 70'S ruled !! Dance til I couldn't move anymore and think to  myself..  I had meaning and just follow my flow and all would come and go !

The latest Hooplah

Confused. Tremors ( inverted) inside my body. Numbness. Sight bad. Taste gone. Speech problems.
Loosing function in most of my body. Headaches. Spasms and uncontrol able shit all through my body. Left side of body off.. had another TIA ( mini stroke). Marks on my arms and legs. Can't take shower and or other basic skills. Insomnia. so much getting worse and got more infections as of yesterday again.. but the thing going on that bothers me most... are my Tremors. They have tripled in times, and in length etc. They  have spread now to other parts of my body. Last night my legs so bad.. from pelvis down to ankles.. I was up all night. Phil at about 0100 or so.. rolled over and grabbed my feet.. well one foot and just held me.. I was so bad.. I went numb and just laid there til I fell asleep eventually. NOT GOOD !! Even more yuck.. this paragraph has now taken me like 40 minutes to write because I forget what I am saying, cant see, or fingers and words etc aren't making sense.
on that note.. There ya have it. I am out ! (Mic drop)⌛😐

Two sides 2 EVERYTHING

My World in the Cul-de-sac

Friday night had me like.. yeah I can do this.. by 0100 I realized yea.. not so much.
When ya hear Village People songs in your head .. just randomly.. there could be a problem.
When you are having a conversation in your head with very dear old friends.. IN GERMAN. Yep, the train has left the station folks.. LMFAO
My world last 2 days alone has reached new highs and lows and I can't friggin keep up anymore. Kinda scary.. indeed it is.
Kind words of the day: Your small triumphs matter y'all. Your mistakes matter.. your feelings, your passions,  your quiet struggles.. THEY ARE ALL VERY VALID AND WORTHY! YOU are worthy~
Before I get into more medical hoopla.. this I must share.
So.. if you have been reading my posts you will have noticed I was a bit upset with people around me over the last week or 2. So it gets better folks.. Now remember I can't make this shit up.. even if I am a Teacher.. lol.
So.. bday goes by .. people avoided me.. so they wouldn't have to say anything to me.. which was stupid,, all they had to do was say hi and happy bday Rene.. I didn't expect anything more than that. back to story.. Yesterday I hear my neighbor early out back on his riding mower.. which I could tell he was on our side.. our property behind our house and back gate.. and I know he is mowing a bit.. I thought geeee.. that's nice. I have been so sick and its been so hot I haven't been able to get out there and do stuff... I have done and my hubby has done loads of stuff for them.. I thought that was so helpful and sweet and I was relieved actually I wouldn't have to go out there and do that.. its a lot and its hard work etc. Bit after I hear his stuff stop and I was feeling odd about it.. cuz there is a lot out there and he was only on it a few minutes.. but anyway.. I get a text.. Now mind you.. I have gotten no texts from him at all for weeks now.. not even a hiya.. but I get this text from him saying he mowed my back area.. it was basically needing it and an eye sore.. ( to him yes)..
Paraphrasing here..  But that was my Bday present from him. It was very short and snide.. regardless if he meant it to be.. it was.. which I know he did... But even though it has upset me and pissed me off. I send a nice text back thanking him and explaining I had been meaning to do for couple weeks but couldn't and my hubby has been busy .. so I appreciated that etc.
Really brewing on it now.. I get more worked up and upset.. cuz I know he was only out there a minute..so I put it off and try to forget.. Well later hubby gets home and I have made dinner etc etc etc.. and  we start talking about it.. I said ya know we really need to go look because even if he did that .. we have more to do and close up weed eating etc by fences etc.. We had friends over and later as we say our goodbyes and are outside looking , talking, and getting ready to water etc.. I say I am going to walk around house and fences and look back there.
Biggest mistake I made.. OMFG..  Needless to say and short version... a drop was mowed by fence (bout a few feet).. ok.. in all fairness.. he mowed about 30 ft long, by 10ft wide rectangle area...and that was it. I started to cry... I got pissed, sick and upset.. because FUCK now I have to finish that and DO ALL OF THE SHIT LIKE I ORIGINALLY WAS GOING TO AND NEEDED TO.
I got all worked up.. because he did that, his shit text message making me feel like shit about all of it.. and then THAT WAS MY SO CALLED BDAY PRESENT.. Really after a year of doing all we could and can to help him.. I am not gonna even start on that !! The whole scenario made me so sick.. I couldn't even keep the drop of food down I had finally managed to eat after days.
WORST SCENERIO EVER !!! REALLY FUCK !!!
Can't make this shit up folks. REALLY I CAN'T ~ 😞😢

Morning Mayhem

When you go to the laptop thinking you are gonna post all the latest while it is fresh on the mind.. and guess what? Ha no internet.. man.. ok so this makes many days now internet issues.. starting to really get me. It is worse too when I really want on and or need on for something,, or really want to use my fire stick for a show or movie.. ggrrr.. So here is the 1st cheers to the day.. Thank you Internet for always being so predictable. lol
Coffee keeps getting cold. Damn.. That is a problem especially this a.m. at 0 dark 30. Seriously.. 2nd cheers already.. to cold coffee.. ahah. Man I am already on a roll and just got started.
Going to be a super fab day y'all. Need more coffee because ya know drinking since 0340 isn't enough yet. LMAO😀✋
Just ordered my other new book.. Mark Levin Books.. yay me. I am excited.
Oh yes.. a huge TY to my hubby and his friends.. for having me up and starting my day off  at 0310 .. and fisherman outside my house.. ready to go.. while all others sleep at ya know.. 0340 ! Not them.. They are on a Fishing mission.. lol
Which now leads to my next thought.. I have a question for all the guys out there....an ya might wanna think carefully before you send me your answers with this one and you better hope you know your wife and or significant other WELL.. I MEAN VERY WELL.. before you throw an answer out there.
Ready.. ok so.. when you get them a Happy Bday balloon a day early and hide it so they wont see it.. and you completely forget about the balloon .. because ya know.. you are thinking about other stuff.. like ya know.. fishing or something.. and 3 days later.. you bring the balloon in and say here ya go honey.. Do you give her balloon and say I forgot it? or do you just chalk it up to yea I fucked up, but she wont know.. I will just get rid of it and all will be ok?  Only these 2 choice guys.. Which one say you????
Just so ya know my man choose the wrong answer. AAAHHHggg .. X's across the board !
Funny now. Not so funny earlier. I was beyond upset. How can he forget something like that !! DAMN.

lol.. doesn't matter my kids R adults.. HA

Random dishing....

Inquiring minds wantah know?.. so which will move faster dropbox downloading on cell.. or computer MS update?? hhmm.. and the winner is.. The cell wins with Dropbox done and moving on .. LOL
Why does my husband comment on stuff I leave to other ppl yet not in what I leave to him? I think he still doesn't get FB ahhaahha.. just like he only does his newsfeed.. HELLO SPARKY.. ya gotta go to people pages to see most their stuff.. especially if they post a lot.. or close together really. I keep telling him, but he just gets mad at me.. ggrrr.. he can be so challenged at some things.. LOL
AM I gonna make it through lunch today? Nope.. that might be trick question.. I am about down for the count. I have cleaned, done this, done that.. done some of those , and then some.. I think I am done this morning.. for today. Indeed !!
Hate that I haven't set me other  shit up yet and cant find cord.. to upload pics.. I gotta have on cell.. make a album there on fb or elsewhere and then open on computer and download them on computer.. cuz I cant do blog on cell.. its tooooo difficult for me. All the work.. hahahah.
That's why here lately I don't post many pics on here.. it is torture.. hahahha
I have pics I wanted to post and I'm like nah.. I will just use cell and upload on FB.. keep them on FB.. hahah
To rest I take my ass.. yep yep

Advanced Warning !! Yes, I come with a tag !!!

If you are scared of... or do not want to hear the truth about things, people, me, feelings, etc and so on.. I am telling ya now.. giving you full disclaimer and advanced Warnings.. you are not going to like my blog spot or probably 94 % of my postings. Sorry.. Just Me.. Just my shit like every thing else.. ya either deal with it or move on your way folks !! No joking with that statement either straight up realness going on.. 24 ..7.. 365 !!!
I am me on line just as I am in everyday life off the blog and computer. Take me as I am or you can screw off.. I cant always be roses and honey when my life is dogshit & vinegar and garlic.. Ya feel me?? Here is the part where and when  I try to make us all feel better by looking at a pretty graphic.. lol.. yes.. humor button has been switched on now ! Have a good afternoon my friends.. or at least try to anyways.. ! I understand.. Really I do 💙

Health update..

Haven't been able to eat for days.. throwing up, spasm and pain tummy and etc.. all muscles been in fuck off Rene mode.. diarrhea.. ggrrr. fevers..fighting new viruses. ( bacterial and viral).. yucky.
My foot and arm messed up on right side.. horrible pain etc.. Inverse tremors VERY BAD.. one of the biggest issues. Extreme headaches.. inside my head and my skull itself. Skin diseases getting worse. Walking better but numbness in feet is getting yuck.. which means the walking is about to stop again. My insides have just been in shut down mode really.. I have again lost more lbs.. not sure what I weigh this a.m. probably about 168 or so.. I imagine. My taste is gone, my hearing is going in and out and I just am having issues with about everything. But no one asks and or no one even mentions any of it.. and when I try to say something about any thing.. I get cut off and ignored.. so.. and no one even asks like what I am talking about when they see my posts.. or even wonders what the hell I am doing .. when I set here and do this.. they have no concern or care .. to even ask.. hey, whatcha doing? That is sad.. omg..I hate I so realist sometimes.. I depress myself even.. LMAO
Ok.. back to issues.. back getting worse. Mouth and throat issues ok today,but it is still early. Yesterday I felt good.... sort of til lunch.. so I expect the bottom to drop out any second.. or you know? the other shoe to drop.  In other words.. nothing good or better today. All still screwed up in Rene world today. But hey I am still kicking right? There are other things which are key issues.. that I am going through right now, but the words just aren't coming and I am just messing up my own head and getting confused.. I am gonna stop now.
That is what is on the menu today kids ! Still more bad shit..

And what did you ask for?...

Everyone always says... I never specify.. well I stopped doing that for multiple reasons.. but here is example of one HUGE  reason.. right here..
What I asked for... for my bday.. Not all.. just like one of them.. ❤😀

or small new bags for the boards we have.. Ha

All small and inexpensive items that I really wanted and liked .. and things that would help me stay geared to looking better, doing more,, and feeling better..

And this is what I got..

Which I love candles.. etc.. But seriously.. that is what he got our friend and neighbor the other day for her bday.. not same scents.. but damn.. REALLY.. the SAME generic gift.. WOW !!

I just wanted nice messages saying hey and thinking about ya.. which didn't come !

and I thought maybe dinner with fam, take out for dinner, yummy something for desert.. you know..? and I woke to flowers.. which were awesome.. card, and candles, custard.. spent day by myself sick until almost 5.  He Never shrugged about dinner.. wanted me to cook.. Stopped and got ice cream.. but no one especially me wanted Ice cream.. I just wanted a donut .. like now for week and half been asking.. anyways.. he eats.. later so we could have some kind of bday hoorah.. I said lets eat drop of cake.. small piece .. then I got sicker..

 shit got worse .. He tells jade later on phone to bring home donuts.. that got here at midnight.. better late than never I suppose.. But the day was just like any other day if not worse !! BDAYS SUCK..

Everything was just weird and off.. Everything was unsettled.. it was just a yuck Thursday..

So.. now you know why I never ask for stuff anymore... because when I say stuff or ask.. it never comes.. I am always let down, cast aside, and side tracked.. I am tired of that.

Kinda like other stuff though.. I ask, beg, show, tell, etc and still nothing.. no help, no concern, nothing. and this is why I don't like living most days !!! JUST SAYIN ' !!

Good note however.. I decided this morning early.. I was going to buy me one thing and I picked the sweatshirt.. the one with Pink on top.

GO ME !!

ugghhh huh

I don't get why people have to pretend you are a bad person.. so they don't feel guilty about the things they did  to you..and them being a shit person! God forbid they be accountable for their bullshit. Oh wait ! I already did that post.. 😛
 The moral of that and most other stories I spew out in this blog.. are that one CAN NOT Febreeze bullshit ! It is still bullshit no matter what you sprinkle on it bitches. Get real already Mo Fo's.. for fucks sake batman.
And this though:
Ppl there is HUGE difference between empathy and sympathy!! Let me save you some time googling this.
* Sympathy is when you feel and show compassion towards someone and or their situation.
* Empathy is when you UNDERSTAND their situation etc.. because you have been in that scenario/ situation before yourself. YOU CAN COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND WHAT THEY ARE FEELING AND OR ARE  MIGHT BE GOING THROUGH !!!!
You might wanna think about that before you just start spouting shit out there. People get upset over that shit real quick.. especially these days !! Just a thought.. figured I would share.. since most people still aren't grasping the concept !
The phrase that comes to mind right now is.. Some people are just beautifully wrapped boxes of shit.. well and most aren't even wrapped nicely these days.. cuz they don't care.. no one fucking cares anymore ! GGGrrr...
In my mind.. there are still 2 different kinds of people out there.. ones raised on love.. others raised on survival.. and that affects and outlines the paths that will be taken. IT JUST IS ! You may disagree and that's ok.. but, at least think about that for a second.. you will see.. I am pretty much nailing it on the head there!
Time for todays things to remember when you are going through rough patches:
* Everything can and will change again
* You can overcome anything if it is meant to be
*You should try to focus on things as being a learning experience
* Things that even you don't want or don't get.. can be a blessing.. one never knows
* Remember to have fun.. we need fun in our lives.. that is why I try to keep  my humor and do the crazy things I do.
*Give yourself a fucking break
*Other people really aren't worth you worrying over all the time !!!!!
*And try to think to yourself daily .. that even though things are shit.. there is and can be beauty out there too. Try to keep that head up and somehow embrace not only the suck but the THANKFULNESS of things too !

Bday Blowout.. whoopps.. I mean "BOMB"

Another day the internet is acting screwy.. Go figure. At least yesterday I could watch my movie.. Ready or Not.. all that time and fuss and it wasn't even as good as I thought it would be.. that's what happens when I set myself up for failure.. oh well. I found myself watching Hellboy also.. hhmm.. Really yesterday sucked ass and was very sad and depressing for me..it also was a true eye opener and reminder however.. That even though I think each day will be better and brighter it is NOT going to happen.
The day started out with promises.. I was open to it and excited( believe it or not).. and by lunch.. yeah that was all gone. With each passing second of the clock.. shit just got worse and worse.
In the end I did spend a drop of time with hubby and it was like any other day or worse really.. yesterday was suppose to be a day to celebrate me and yeah that didn't happen on any plane.. !
I did however get my crispy cream donut at like midnight last night and a kiss.. still haven't touched the donuts.. waiting for Jade to get up.. so basically that will be sometime this afternoon probably. WELL IT IS THE TRUTH. I tell no lies.. cuz honestly I couldn't make this shit up,, even if I tried really really hard.
The facts.. my neighbors hid from me as to not have to tell me happy bday.. The people I have bent over backwards for and reached out to at every end.. didn't even say hi to me yesterday let alone a bday greeting. I was so sad.. then got pissed off etc and went through all the emotions.. Then people that are family that I have known most my life.. really showed me without a doubt they don't give a shit about me period.. Clear down to everyone of them... but one ...untagging themselves on a bday memory with awesome pics.. THAT HURT. I deleted them all on fb and I AM DONE. Just like with Mel situation.. I AM DONE. No more reaching out.. no more I am here when they need me.. no more nothing. I don't need them, Allmons Family, Phils family, My family.. NONE OF THEM. Screw them all.. so was I a bit worked up on my bday about ppl not even wishing me helloes .. YES, YES I WAS. I am not mad now.. FUCK THEM AND THEIR BS.. They are all just pissed I have a better life than them.. I was always too good for most of those bastards anyway.. they have always known it, I knew it, and everyone else knew it to. I just thought over the years however.. they would let all that go and just LOVE ME.. and nope.. SO FUCK THEM ALL !
Honestly I always lowered my self for them anyways.. and why should I ever do that.. !! Why? Well I wont anymore.. and like I said as for all the bitches around here.. to include neighbors I thought were friends.. well guess what.. You are gonna see a whole different Rene now mother fuckers.. I am tired of being used, treated like shit, taking advantage of.. etc.. You want something text or call someone else bitches !! I AM DONE !
Fake mother Fuckers up in this area,, and there s nothing more that I dislike than that !! FAKE FUCKERS are a waste of my moments,, especially when I don't have many of those left to live. Why keep hurting and crying because others are jealous of me and fucking petty bitches.. FUCK THAT.
So get your ideas, opinions, and shit from now on you clueless bitches.. I am done with the lot of you.
I have learned this lesson well and just one more sign proving to me.. I am not meant to have friends and a life here... that I am going to be gone soon. You can say my words are morbid, negative, or call it whatever you will.. I call it honesty, facts and what happens in my daily life. I own every bit of this bs crap in these suitcases strode about the floor. Period. I am sure I am forgetting and leaving a lot out,, Matter of fact I know I am.. but this is enough for me to remember... and others to just get a small glimpse of what my yesterday was like. Well oops.. I mean my everyday life here in Alabama.