Humpday check in

Last few days been nuts.. but I am still hangin in.. with my head just above the water. I have been so sick, weather has been horrible... LIFE HAS BEEN .. LIFE !! Half way through the week now.. Hello Wednesday. Cant believe June almost over.. few more days and bammmm July 4th already. Might be away a few more days .. visitors coming etc Stay alive and be safe out there...

ALONE AND LOST AGAIN ~ GO FIGURE ~

Newsflash People

I do not understand why people think that buying something for someone.. makes up for or fixes anything they did to them. If you screw up.. going out and buying a candle for them does not help anything, say I am sorry, work the problem out, or fix it. For fuck sake.. stop already ! 

I needed your help.. I counted on you.. I depended on you and believed that when you said you would be there and help that u would be there.. You let me down.. you didn't care. you didn't help.. u were not there.. time moved on.. keep your fucking candle.. dog water dish, rug... etc etc etc for yourself I don't need it nor do I want it ! You screwed up and you screwed up again by buying a dumbass thing and trying to change my feelings by buying something for me.. especially when you BOTH know I hate that shit. 

Another thing.. do not say to me I know.. because obviously you don't know cuz you keep saying and doing the same ass stupid shit over and over.. so u either don't know.. or you do know and don't care.. either way it still happens constantly !!!! either way I am still the one hurting and crying and still needing your help and you still blowing me off.. thinking you fixed it and made it better for me !! uuummm NO.. Get a fucking clue please before its to late. I have asked,, talked...gotten mad, cried, begged.. I cant do it anymore and nothing works anyway. 

The brain is a powerful thing

When ya stop and think about it.. do any of us really know anyone else ..or what they are thinking? uummm nope. I know the answer to that.. because I know what I think and do everyday that no one else even has a clue about .. or they would never guess in a million years that I would be feeling that way or wanting to do those things. I could never want or even think about hurting another.. but me, myself, and I.. I would do in a millisecond. I don't matter to others or myself.. and I would take myself out in a blink.. haven't already because dogs and others depend on me.. but the praying and the thought could be there everyday , every second.. I am sure ~

Randoms, Sad but Trues, & I bet Ya's

Don't want to sleep. Don't want to set and watch TV.. Don't want to do anything really. Hurts 2 set here and type on laptop, but it is kind of helping a bit.... I am trying to trick myself shhshhhh.. Don't be a dream killer ~ Miserable does not even begin to explain what the hell is happening with me and to me right now ~ hhmmmmm. 

Hate when ppl use and take my stuff and never say a ..word. They don't ask .. they just take stuff and deny they did. If I know... and you know.. then why the lying? Really? Only pisses me off more.. actually I was not pissed until you lied to me etc.. then it became a serious and more personal issue. I really hate having to pretend that shit is just always vanishing.. I do not have the time for that crap anymore. 

My shiner finally is completely gone after couple of weeks.. so I look a little less like an abused wife.. lol I am covered in bruises, marks, scares.. bites, scratches, and marks I cant explain.. and cuz my issues and new stuff... I manger to do everyday.. half the time I cant walk etc and I have broken bones and little stuff grows into big stuff.. that it makes stuff harder to get through each day. I know I sound like a broken record, but you would too if you lived in my body.. in my situation.. 

Not wanting to answer phone or text back at 0530.. I want to.. but then it only leads to me explaining what happened.. to what degree I am sick now and all the other negative.. it is just easier to NOT answer anything or anyone to til later.. It's not like anyone cares etc.. OR anyone gives a flipping shit about anything I had to say.. or about anything that happened. I go by what ppl do .. and when no one even asks how stuff is.. or is it better.. they just go on with idiotic small stuff.. they don't care and I know it.. Enough said there !

These randoms can also be called... My sad but trues.. or I bet ya's.. they all fall together really like 95% of the time.

When I finally do die.. no one will mourn me except my dogs.. and that is only because I feed them .. nothing else I am sure. Hell my family.. all big social media ppl.. and they do not even comment, post, and or have anything to do with me on FB really.. yes, that hurts my feelings. They interact with friends etc.. but can't take 2 seconds to post on my page.. communicate with me.. NOTHING !

NEWSFLASH.. buying me stuff never helps. Never I mean NEVER does it make up for shit or substitute for an I am sorry !! I know you think that makes shit ok and problems go away.. BUT NOPE !!!

Nothing like being a married single woman.. SUCKS ASS..

I bet if ya ask anyone in my family what color my eyes are or basic stuff.. no one would get shit right.. well my hubby might get a couple right but that's it.. and I am the one with anxiety and issues …. hhhmmmm Oh, but I am an anal control freak also. Nope I just have a certain way to do things to help me get through each day.. or to help me remember stuff etc.. I do have a method for my madness and the thing is everyone knows but they still do shit different just cuz they can. I hate being mind fucked constantly by the ones that are suppose to be my team or my circle of family or love. No one can possibly know this emptiness unless you too live it.

When ppl say LOL at everything.. bothers the hell outta me.. Shit could be serious and we need to talk and come up with solutions and all I get is an LOL... FUCK THAT.

Doritos and coffee don't mix well.. don't do it ~

Just want ppl to keep their promises and keep their word.. WTF? It is not that hard.. why for Pete's sake why??

Drives me nuts when outta nowhere I start doing stuff in other languages and I forgot I can even do that.. When ya think you are having a bad day.. guess what I know mine is worse.. just wait I will do a list soon and prove it to you.. LOL !

Xo.....

My Friday night .. in a nutshell

Nothing like being so worked up .. that at 2423 U just decide screw it,, I am making a cup of coffee ! (Breakfast Blend) I have been trying for hours to calm down, but I just continue to upset myself more instead of being able to let it go. I just can't seem to understand why the same shit just happens non-stop. It is like I have a mini tape recorder in my hand pushing play, rewind, play, rewind!! She comes in the house at 830 pm , she changes clothes. gets cleaned up a bit and gone again by 930 pm. Go figure. I knew it... it is a Friday evening.. but honestly with her, does night matter day or time.. she just goes and goes again. Don't trust her. Don't believe her. Don't nothing with her ..she is like all others.. don't care just wish I was dead already.. so I would stop fucking up her schedule.. Sad , but I know the truth. She gets free dog watcher and setter.. 24/7.. no rent and bills to house.. just her other stuff , she has EVERYTHING made literally. Should have known she would do this again.. PEOPLE NEVER CHANGE.. JUST SITUATIONS  !! So, I have spent Friday Night just me and dogs working myself like crazy.. I am so tired of being so tired. I keep telling ppl and crying and pleading , but nothing works so.. I just give in I suppose !!

Today is Friday and whooptee shit. The last few days in my world have been so upside down.. I was not even sure what day it was etc. The weather has been nuts , people have been nuts.. I have been so very sick throwing up, cold stuff, and so many other things. I have bug bites and tick bites making me very ill.. I have not been getting much rest.. and with other stuff like mouth issues.. broken toe.. and all the other stuff dealing with right now.. I am just ready to pull out all my hair. The dogs are so much right now on me plus all the medical care with Bo right now and not having any help at all is been a huge huge challenge on me. Hubby in GA, daughter lives here but never here and when she is ..she is sleeping or chillin in her dirty room. LOL NO seriously.. her area is nasty.. needs to clean that shit big time. With her mess, her car, work, going places.. sports ,, etc..she hasn't been on top of shit.. and I keep getting sick and sicker..Trying to get her to clean her room, clean her car, help me clean.. change clothes when she comes in from work, or being out anywhere.. cuz she brings in so many germs to me... It's just a constant struggle unless I were to live in a bubble.. some times I wish I did.. I would not have to deal with this and constant shit and cleaning on my own and deal with all the stress and crap ~ 

We see what we want 2 see

Can this day get any more Mondayish? Jus askin..for a friend..lmao😕

Mad as Hell

Mad as hell I am today. I am so angry that I have these diseases and am stuck feeling like shit.
I have tried all to feel better. Tried to function normal, did stuff, pretend in my head, drink coffee, rest, take shower... NOTHING is working. I am literally having the life sucked outta me right now.
I can not eat.. drinking is like ummm no.. but I am so I don't get dehydrated . I AM MAD

Wednesday Grrrrr's

If any of you... live with others ..you know ..I am sure.. how it feels to have those ppl around you that are completely selfish and you have to fight to even get anything to drink or eat around the house ,.. sometimes.. right? Don't lie ! It happens to us all at times.
I live off and on with those kind of people. The ones that go to the store with my money and say I got you this.. or here ..this is for you .. and if I don't eat or drink it in the next 5 hours of its appearance in the house... they eat or drink it and leave me setting there..like .. wtf just happened? Wasn't that for me? Wasn't that mine? They never understand either why I get upset or snappy.. or make comments and say ok.. I will go to the store. To them it is perfectly expectable.. they bought it.. they eat or drink it.. no biggy.. with no remorse at all. Pisses me off. I used to get sad and angry.. now I know its going to happen and I get upset and sometimes mad... I just have tried all emotions and actions and nothing works,, so the best thing I can do.. is let it happen.. go through my stages.. and move on.. til they do it again.. which they will soon tooo.... I might add.
In the last week and half.. I was bought jars for canning stuff.. sodas that I asked for and got other kinds instead., pudding, cookies, fruit, ready to eat meals. frozen stuff.. ( I don't eat a lot so. the small things and junk food etc.. keep weight on me mostly.. at times)… I was brought many things that were for me.. they were mine for when I could eat and drink it.. etc.. yeah.. well I got nothing. Shit was made and eaten by others.. shit was take out of house.. shit was used before I could blink an eye.. I had to fight this a.m. early to get a few small pieces of fruit before it too was gone.. and If I hadn't have done that.. an hour later... it would have been gone... and what got me the most was I was given a shit look , attitude, etc,, because I got the last of it.. WTF I  say?? WTF?? That is almost as bad as the other crap that gets pulled.. they eat or drink everything except one little drop they leave in fridge or cabinet.. or they use and take it all and put empty containers back in cabinets and stuff for me to find. I JUST DO NOT GET IT !! I must be from another planet I tell Ya.. No other explanation….

The balance must remain

Candle Light to help guide us ~

Today I am lighting this candle for me. I am lighting this candle for you. I am lighting this candle for everyone, everywhere.. around the World...

I am so out of sorts.. I am having a hard time functioning and coping.

I am so heavy.. as so much is going on across the Globe..

But whatever I am felling is larger than that.. I know it is.

My voices that lead me .. have gone on a break.

My gut instincts are all tangled up all through my body..

My normal.. not normal... is even very confused at this point.

Blessings to get through this very strong day 

May today not kick you in the ass !!

Heads up and be careful.. Lots of crazy shit going on due to Moon Phases etc.

We have 2 Super Moons this month.

The New Moon  was a Super Moon and for Litha (Summers Solstice)

there is a full moon also coming up... Strawberry moon. No, it is not Red or colored... it just came to be known that name long ago because it started off the strawberry picking season. Funny how certain ppl just assume the moon is a different color..

Google that shit people.. Google that shit ~

Yep, It's official.. I am going cray cray..

I am losing my mind up in this biatch.. I tell ya 

First though would be.. who the hell cares what Kylie Jenner is wearing !

The real world and real people ..could care less.. we are just merely trying to get by in this screwed up mess!!!!

My ass is so chapped today.. I just hate when people use and abuse their privileges and just EXPECT everyone to stop their lives.. for them... They are no better than us. Why should we change our life, our schedule, our routines.. etc.. for you or ANYONE anymore? That is just so friggin screwed up ~

You fix your shit everyone.. I AM OUT !  Peace👋

Missing my Sparky today. It's Fathers day and he is not with us.. It is a hard and emotional

day for me I guess.. so much on my plate.. I am sad and sick.. etc etc etc.

Even though he is a poop and would not wanna be here with us anyway...

still miss him ~

Days like this are always hard me for !! gggrrr..

I guess I still have the attitude also that everyday should be that day.. not just celebrated one day a year.. We should love and appreciate EVERYDAY !!!!

Randoms for the week.. Thinking out loud .. I am ~ Prt.1

It's been a very nutty week ..so I had lots of randoms  and WTFs.. I really did.. My head has just been nuts 24/7.. hate it!

**Wishing my body& my brain would get on the same damn page.. or even remotely close to each other .. would be nice. One minute my body wants to do something and my brains says, uumm nope. The next minute it is reversed. I can not seem to catch a break for shit. I always say,.. I am embracing the suck.. instead of FML ( fuck my life). I go through so much there really is nothing I can do anymore except embrace it. Tired of anger. Tired of crying and fighting. Tired of trying everything from one end of the spectrum to the other.  Tired of being tired….I guess I have just learned to make a peace with it.. some days I can handle it and other days I become very emotional and I just have to cry and get through it and stay away from certain things etc, My everyday life is just a roller coaster.. that just keeps going and going like the friggin energizer bunny. I just wish sometimes the battery would just finally die... or someone would just stop this damn ride and I can finally get off !!

**Cutting my lip while shaving, lol.. yes, I own it! I every few weeks... have to shave lightly above my lip. The Old lady face peach fuzz grows if I don't. heheh
Yesterday was the day for me to do that.. and man I cut the shit out of my upper lip. I knew it was not a day to handle sharp objects  or whatever.. but I did it anyways before I forgot ..and damn I was kicking my ass for a bit.. That shit stung forever!! Lesson learned.

**Thought about doing an audible blog.. then realized that was a stupid idea and I would be really indolent if I did that.. plus I would be going against my moral fibers... I do not care what anyone says.. Listening is NOT the new Reading. I will take a book or whatever over listening 24/7/365.  Comes with its advantages too.. I always have it.. do not have to worry about batteries going dead or  not having electricity.. etc. My eyes may give me issues a lot and some days I can  not see or whatever issues I might  be having... but I will never give up on Reading, Books, snail mail.. etc. I guess I am just old school like that. I enjoy all the non new technology ways for most things ! Just me ~ Kind of a thing I have too,.. I enjoy reading out loud too sometimes.. and if I am typing this.. you are my audience and you can read it out loud even and it makes it more interesting to you as well .. because in doing this.. I am writing it ..like I would be speaking it and you can get more of my humor, sarcasm , etc that way.. and really enjoy it. LOL. That's just one of my takes on this.
I know sometimes it is super great to listen to stuff and I know its awesome to have someone read to you and pamper you a bit.. but I have just gotten so used to that .. over all the years.. having no one to do that for me.. that it just was removed from the option and choices list !
I read on my own and can just get lost .. get outta my screwed up head for a minute or two..
Reading and Writing.. when I can ..has always been an escape for me.
Enough said.. Xo

Day 7..

Day 7.. I am done

Taken Saturday, June 16, 2018

Flag out in my front yard.. Kentucky was a choice we made years ago.. and what pisses me off is everyone has changed their minds and has gone back on our deal.. but I remain ever faithful and on my path.. even if I am alone.. Kentucky is my home. Been here 10 years.. raised my family here.. etc etc etc..

KY is where I was supposed to be. KY is supposed to be my home & where I finally find peace and move on !! 

My wish and prophecy's  are all coming true.. now I just wait until they finally come for me ❤

Wow.. It is the most randomest Friday ever...

GGGrrrr.. OMG I am loosing my mind.. lol

Frustrated does not even begin to describe what I feel right now.

Spent half the day trying to make and do stuff for this blog.. make widgets,, and so on.

Been a while... I have had to do the crash remember course with coding and stuff.. FRUSTRATED I TELL YEAH.

I realized with me being so sick , I guess, I have fallen behind with some of the everyday shit!

For starters I had no idea that people were all crazy now about Gluten free shit for their hair & beauty products.. WHAT? REALLY ??
I was caught off guard earlier today.. man did I have a good laugh... What the hell is Gluten Mineral Oil whatever..? hhehe

lmao.. All I can say. I am so pissed right now too because I have had to do this post like 4 times.. my laptop so sensitive every little touch etc deletes stuff, changes 50 screens, and all that other great shit that I am not wanting to use right now.. CRAZY

We live in a crazy world.. WTF ???

So I ask.. what is going Gluten Free next? 

Day #6 ~Happy Friday Folks

Could be another black and white photo... 
(1 day still to go to complete challenge)….

All the wankers I tagged.. didn't do it.. OH WELL.

This one happens to be another one that is dear to my heart .. you can bet your sweet ass..it's an every Friday thing for me !!!

Day 6:

Taken Friday, June 15, 2018

This is a pic of just one of my many Red Friday shirts.. I own and wear.

Means everything to me !!

I love and support all our Troops stationed around the globe.

You wearing your red? Hope so

God Bless ALL our Troops 

Damn Right !!!

Jus sayin'... But, then again it also could read..

determines MY direction.

I have learned to be a bitch and just exit the area of operation ~

One of those days ~

Still working on getting this page in check. Still have lots of tweaking to do. Lots going on in my world and with so much going on,, I am trying to  multitask and get it done while doing so many other things while sick. I love ya guys.. Thanks for being patient.. and if you are not being patient.. screw you. Deal with it...lmfao

Look out... Day #5

Taken Thursday, 14, June 2018

My Flag outside.. Today is flag day ..

my flag NEVER comes down.. My Patriotism is extreme..

This says it all !

Day 4 B&W Photo mashup...

Taken Today, Wednesday, 13 June..

This is a calendar (well part of it).. that hangs in my kitchen area.

Can never go wrong with this. Home.

Country warm. My only hope some days.. this allows me to keep up with my ex-friend time / days...lol

So many memories, things, moments, etc.. my life in the rear view.. not necessarily future mode.

It just is.. what it is

You are on.. ( B.A.W.P.C.) Day 1-3

Usually when I hear the word challenge.. I am fast to say.. you are on.
I committed to a challenge on FB few days back and it is proving to be harder than I thought.
It is a Black and White Photo Challenge..
For a week.. I must post one pic.. no people.. no words.. no explanations.. nothing.. It just be something that means something to me or something I am dealing with that day. It also must be black and white and a few other stipulations... ggrrrr.. ppffftt !
Anyway.. I decided that I would post them here , that way I would not forget what they meant to me and I could explain a bit the symbolism behind it for my benefit.. since next week I will have totally forgotten.. lol.. TRUTH ~

Here it goes:

Day 1

Taken Sunday, June 10 

In my room.. on my bed.. Blanco and Luke taking a nap.. taking up my whole damn bed... is what they were doing.

My boys are my world ~

That was kind of the meaning behind this pic.. Wanted Bo in Pic but he left the A.O.

Day 2

Taken Monday, June 11

My Dresser in bedroom.. The point here was.. all the damn sticky notes to remind me what I need to do.. Always sticky notes. Getting worse too. But what else can I do.. when by myself 95% of the time..

Plus, meds and important things I can see .. which hold other meanings for me..

Day 3

Taken Tuesday, June 12 (Today)

This is my Festival Authentic Mask from Venice Italy.

It hangs on my living room wall along with other special items ..that remind me .. of the life I used to have... We all wear masks in life from time to time.. This is huge for me.. I don't wear this mask.. but to get by each day etc.. I wear other masks ..sometimes !!.. Not really to elude anyone or hide from anyone.. but hide what my life really is.. to hide my illnesses etc. and I do it to try to trick myself into thinking I am better than I really am.. just to survive each day really.. MY TRICK

SO.. IT IS MORE FOR ME THAN ANYONE ELSE~ I was not going to post this.. but I have learned to do certain things and listening to my gut always is right.. my gut said.. DO THIS SO YOU KNOW WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON LATER !! ha

I thought it was Tuesday

As my days start melting again in to one.. I find myself getting just more and more frustrated.. for Pete sake already.

Think I would be used to it, but my body goes up and down.. just when I get settled and all is well.. I fall backwards again.

Relatively calm since earlier. I been trying to keep myself occupied .. so as not to think about all the chaos which is today.

Can't keep any food in my body however.. I eat a drop just for it to come back out one end or the other. Loosing weight again fast.. and last 2 days drank soda and ate junk food just to keep weight on...oh well.. shit, shit, shit & blah.. blah.. blah.

Todays chaos.. well let's see...hhhmmmm.. Weather, Youngest daughter & all her stuff. Pets.. their stuff..(which in itself is a lot). House, Husband, Bro.. you name it.

News, Current Events, Politics, and all the crazy which exists out there... that I stress & worry over constantly !!

( I will break that all down later I am sure)! I think the hardest though right now is being sick and having so many issues at once and I am alone in this ..just trying to get through each day.. I have No "Team"... No "Circle of love" I have me and only me... and with all the boys (3 dogs) requiring so much from me,, and Bo now being on Insulin shots 2 times a day and other things with them.. it only adds to me long lists of dailies.. to not only remember ,but get done.  I am so so screwed and embracing the suck now on a regular. But, can't control any of that.. just stuff with me and that's it ~ I really need a magic wand... I would wear that shit out in probably 48 hours.. LMAO

Embracing the suck ....

So, today is really kickin my ass. When you have all the auto-immune diseases I have and on top of that sick with infections, cold, tick bites, cuts, black eye.. yep.. dog gave it to me yesterday..and all the other shit.. you just reach a point where you are like... fuck this day.. fuck my life.. fucking stop this ride, I want off !!!

Yes.. I AM THERE FOLKS

I am back to monitoring my weight, food intake, symptoms, what I drink, and just about everything again.. everyday.

I am losing my memory, my sight, my hearing, and my mind~
GGGrrrrr…..

No Surrender today or any other day....

Starting my new Blog today  ~

It's a Monday.. might need extra time & patience to get anything accomplished today..

Just throwing that out there ..lmao