( whatever)

3 days away and not a thought as to if it means anything etc.. not with me ..of course ...but all around me.. I once again last night was shown that people are dicks and don't care about me at all.. I sent my neighbors a text message about having the rest of their gifts I was going to bring over there for them today.. and only one replied back.. saying I didn't need to give them anything.. like I am just passing off shit to them... we either make them fresh goodies.. do stuff to help.. always on the hand stuff.. Or give them fresh stuff we just buy.. we share food, donuts.. meals.. etc.. their gift was a bottle of wine phil got .. in a Santa holder.. with card.. and a bag.. that I got them mugs, a cute Christmas Towel.. and a beautiful candle I ordered also for their home !! So now after last night.. I am just like screw you.. half the time they treat me like crap now anyway. Lynne hasn't bothered to even message back or say one word to me since Halloween.. wtf? especially when we went out of our way to include them in our lives.. so ungrateful really now is how I look at it..we didn't have to invite them to our party etc.. we have done more than enough for them in over a year and it really upsets me now !!!! NO MORE SHALL I GIVE AND TRY TO SUPPORT AND SHOW COMPASSION FOR THEM.. THEY ARE NOT FRIENDS MERELY THE COUPLE THAT LIVES NEXT DOOR TO ME.
I shall even stop bringing up their trash can etc.. fuck that..
Feels not really like Christmas.. no emotion.. no compassion  ..nothing !!! SO yes.. I have given up on the neighbors. SHIT JUST IS WHAT IT IS

Tuesday Truths... as told by me

 A... Don't cry to me about not sleeping 12 hours.. and upset tummy when you have no idea the pain level I am living with right at this moment... Just for a SMALL example.. My head hurts so bad. feels like it is going to pop off..  Back of my head .. is straight pain.. like skull has been fractured...can only see out of one eye and its blurring blobbing and colorful. Every bone and muscle in my body hurts... I can barely move. My Throat is swollen.. my lips and mouth are tore up.. I cant taste,, can barely swollow.. and its extremely painful.. lips, teeth, all inside my mouth. Ears ringing.. one is thumping and pain. Unsure what new infection that may be. Fingers and hands swollen.. cramps in my toes soo bad.. they are unmovable some of them..right arm and top side clear through shoulder are so bad.. I can barely move, but I do.. Veins all over my body are swollen and hurt so bad.. lupas stuff VERY BAD TODAY AND LAST FEW DAYS.. don't wanna even get out of bed.. but I do and I work hard all day while you piss and moan and stay in bed watching tv and doing absolutely nothing all day.. except eat, smoke cigs, and snuggle with ur dog..a drop..
I have only slept like 3 hours in a week.. and that was horrible.. and you are tired.. WAHHH.
Hips feel like they are being pulled apart.. legs are giving out.. and sooooo much more.. I will stop there.. cuz I said small example.. but as for your whining... JUST DONT. !! I cant handle hearing it anymore. My body is so riddled with disease, pain, infections, Auto immune diseases etc.. only few things you can see... but just because you cant see it.. doesn't make me responsible for catering to your every damn whim and need today and every fucking day..
B... When I finally.. after few hours decide to go out in garage area, because trash man came and I need to get trash can etc.. and I realize that the garage has been wide open for like 5 or more hours.. with not even a sorry or care in the world to what ya just did.. WOW.. NO OTHER WORDS COVER IT! EXCEPT SAD... PISSED ETC ON MANY LEVELS. You didn't even care enough to make sure I was safe when you left the house this morning. But then again that fits right in with everything else.. so yeah whatever.
C... I will combine and simplify ..thet Insults, disregard, disrespect, using, abused,, by family.. and all people around me .. and those not even around me.. I AM JUST so WTF?

In conclusion.. with even so very much being left out.. TODAYS TRUTH IS MY LIFE SUCKS

Another day

Things that make you feel unloved and insignificant.. ggggrr
Like someone taking your plate when you are still eating. People  constantly coming in and disregarding you watching tv and they change the channel... right in front of you with no worries.. no nothing. When people like your shit on social media like 2 weeks after you post it.. especially when they were tagged.. you know they saw it.. they always on there.. cant miss it.. REALLY? WTF? Why cant it be then or that day.. weeks.. WOW !! When you are talking and are cut off in mid sentence and completely over looked.. SO SO MANY THINGS.. EVERY DAY.. EVERY FEW HOURS.. Don't get it.When you get shunned for stuff that others do to you.. Yep, another one I don't get.
I am forever plagued by this.. and the thing is.. I wonder if they even care???

Beauty is there always

yup

HAPPY FRIDAY THE 13TH...
Sometimes ya just gotta go with stuff.
Have a safe day out there and may the good luck shine on your today.

Merry Friday 13th.. hahahhha.. ROFLMFAO

tHings I kNOW ... for today...

If you talk crap about "your friend(s)" you should be able to say it to their faces.. not just behind their backs.. PERIOD.

If you are scheduled to appear at a VERY important court date.. you should be ready and DRESSED Appropriately. PERIOD !

When it rains.. it SOMETIMES can pour too. 

Crazy stuff.. can and will happen especially to me and in my house..

Trash can moving on its own, voices, humming, chair bouncing back and hitting wall and moving and rocking on its own, Laundry issues.. like shit vanishing and returning later.. so crazy.. the situations have been nuts I tell ya. Things moving and disappearing.. most not resurfacing !! HATE THART ONE.

Despite whatever... the day will GO ON.. 😛

if you know I LOVE fish,, and you bring it home all the time.. but give it to others instead.. uummm.. WTF? Mad AF I am sometimes.. ggrrrr.

There are 2 kinds of people in this messed up world.. a .. good ones, and b.. Bad ones !

Sometimes traditions need to change.. make room for new Y'all .. seriously..

Jus sayin'.. Life gets to boring 

and that leaves way to much room for the BLAHS to set it... 💚

ho... ho.. NO

MidWeeK Randomness

Soo sick today but for some reason I wanna be on the laptop.. I am nuts I guess. yesterday and last night really... I got a lot worse. I am very sick. I am fighting  hard now.. I know if I give in... I will be down for the count. Trying to stay afloat long enough to get some things done.. I am only going on a couple hours sleep too if even that. I am miserable.. someone needs to track down that garbage truck driver that ran me over.. and shoot that bastard..the come shoot me and finish the job.
Jade should be home today..

I asked for help.. stuff went undone for days until I did it myself … what's new I guess.. point is,, shit .. why should that be that way? Stuff I ask for never comes.. shit I don't need ,want, and or ask for.. comes in spades.. WTF? REALLY? cant get me stamps and safety pins for days , but comes home with bags of shit no-one needs and lots more damn dog toys... WHY?
Being fucked with, laughed at, imitated.. etc while I am speaking.. has gotten old.. started voicing my opinions on that and then I have perfected .. the walk away.. and kiss my ass move !! I am tired of crying... now I AM MAD !
once again.. people suck.. I am just kindah done and blah blah blah. I wanted to do more medical updates today.. but everything I came up with that had stopped.. started again last night or this a.m. I cant win..
So  many things coming in mail this week... OMG I cant keep up. Not gone try.. I get coffee mug.. he gets me shocks for truck, new fishing and boating shit, and sssssssssssoooo much more.. But really I am happy with coffee mug.. hell , I wouldn't even need that if shit in this house was copasetic.
I just want a happy medium for Christmas.. really and that's not asking for much Y'all..
fingers and hands now not want to work k I am out folks

Things I know ~ top 10

•  My home better always face North
• People suck
• Life must go on.. and it always does
• Being so sick all the time is heartbreaking 💔
•  Donald Trump our 45.. is the best damn President EVER
• Holidays are beautiful
• There must be a balance in every thing.. and it must be maintained 
• Life is to suffer and suffer some more
•  Only situations change
• EVERYTHING is what WE make it 

Itsah Tuesday

uummm not really, but whatever.. lol

STAY POSITIVE TIPS

Quotes / Positive Sayin's

The ony way to end a cycle or circle of ggrrrrrr.. is to practice forgiveness , Kindness, qnd BS on your part.. lol Why, does it alwas have to be on my part.. when its usually them?  ahhahahahahahahah.

BE STRONG Y'ALL.. to be weak is to invite in the sorrow, misery, woe, agression, ETC

Well crap.. I gotta go make tea.. laters....... lmao 😆

In a Nut shell

Tryin to stay positive or if I get tooooo nuts.. to reel myself back in.. roller coaster y'all and its worse this week with full moon.. Friday the 13th, Special meteor shower.. special moon.. alignments that are nuts.. etc... TOO MUCH GOING ON TO TYPE ABOUT.

 I am nuts, animals are nuts.. most people and things are nuts.. IT JUST IS … DEAL WITH IT.

Lists all over my table and random to and fro about...I go.. The confusion is thick today.

So health update for those that care..People seem to forget that not only do I have MS, but also a Lupas rare issue, and many other AMD's and etc.. so my world just gets worse on the daily.

Here is the list... so if nothing else I can look back at it if I need to..

Confusion and memory loss

Diarrhea and Nausea

Tummy virus

eye issues 

dizzy

bit crazy depression and emotions high

Insomnia

UTI and other infection through whole body right now

Marks on face ,neck now spreading down chest

Left side 

left hand bad.. upper arms bad

Tongue cramps and pain swallowing issue again. 

Lips and mouth .. off And on

swellin and weight up and down from 164 to 176 lbs.. most I have weighed.. crazy ,, grrr

left foot ..2nd toe.. cramps constant

both feet.. bottoms getting and staying numb.

head bad.. head aches and all

Coordination bad

Anal muscle issue  Over all .. all bad except white stuff gone.. and nails doing better.

some moments I am ok and can talk and function.. other moments I cant do anything.

So many infections viral and bacterial.. been fighting flu and other bugs.. ggrrrr

jade not helping and phil not helping either.. I give up.

And there it is in a nut shell..

awww.. the honeymoon is over

Neighbors don't talk to me and or blow me of these days.. well most of them.. and it only took a year.. Something changed Halloween IDK.. Maybe I was a fucking bitch at HAlloween PArty idk.. I am so confused.. either way.. I am not going to go outta my way  now for anyone.
Same as with Phils co workers and the wives.. wtf? They hate like me.. and I have realized none of them are friends etc.. I don't know what I was thinking trying to be friends.. I AM DONE WITH THE LOT OF THEM PERIOD !!!!!
I say I don't care, but I do.. I have been so hurt by all of them.. so now I will just let it go and move on and stay at a far distance. I have to remember to be done with all of it.. messages, kind things, kind words.. trying to get together with them.. EVERYTHING..  NO MORE RENE.. NO MORE
my daily memo sticky.. BRIGHT ASS RED.. by the way.. My flag.. MY RED FLAG IS UP !

Ordered Christmas all I needed, check.. only did drop of decorating.. check. Everybody has their own shit.. no worries.. check.. check. Tried with Court and as.. that still is a no go.. CHECK. Her bday today too... 29.. I have gone above and beyond.. IAM DONE.
Need to put up tree and call it a day. I will be done... small menu.. make some grub and move on. NO HUGE MENU AND MEAL THIS YEAR EITHER.
Shit still same.. Jade in Pensacola, Florida.. I guess,.. phots.. BS..
all I know is her court date is 20th am.. and she hasn't finished classes. community service, and has been breaking all her bond requirements.. I foresee her going back to jail very soon. I JUST CANT ANYMORE. Phil spend all his time fishing and or with friends.. that is his life.. not me .. not us . It is all just BS.. the harder I try .. the worse it gets.. yasssss.. it must be me.
Been crying and missing Bo a lot.. last night I cried and went into deep despair because Christmas is almost here.. I am lost without him.. dogs were my xmas.. well bo dean was. I cry for Blanco.. cuz jade.. I cry for Luke because he gets me and good care and he gets basic care from Phil and almost nothing from Jade.. I want to give him more.. but most days I just am not able to.. I am jus always stuck.. grrrr.. always the hard way.. he is high high maintenance really.. the barking which is loud and nonstop.. his stuff just makes life very hard for me.. I am just running on almost empty battery wise today.. with it all.. and I am doing a emotional vent dump right now I guess.
well jump on a dick and call  me crazy.. after I said that about the neighbors.. now.. one is being super nice.. hhmmm.. (before I posted this).. hhmmmm.. but he wanted and wants help so... there ya go. But I really don't mind because that is what good neighbors do and are suppose to do.. I guess I just get hurt when I am shrugged off etc.. ggrrrr. oh well.
Puttin' together Christmas menu.. what fun. small.. yay..

Day 9....

💗

Story time

Here's a story to share.. I know everything has 2 sides right? coin.. up /down ...etc and so on.. Well even this.. has 2 ways to look at it.. I will show you my view and you can decide for yourself.. This past October was the big fishing trip to Guntersville.. they go every year.. I stay behind.. never get asked etc.. everyone stays gone few days.. blah blah blah.
Well this past trip.. they noticed a house for rent right on lake.. I figured all could stay longer, chip in on house.. enjoy vaca time etc.. SO I say.. why didn't yall do that.. and it goes on deaf ears.. so now that it is December and more of us have meet each other... it was approached again as an idea for all to rent  the house, enjoy the lake, fishers fish, vacation time.. etc... So hubby comes home and man does he have a way of making me wanna say hell no .. to that...
 First off... he tells me it was someone elses idea.. and they had brought it up again and this time.. had he asked me to go on the trip with them.. ??   he says no.. he hadn't thought to ask me. Then he says it came up again and this time they said.. hey did you ask Rene if she wants to go.. he said no, but I will...
So. he comes home.. tells me all this and says so ya wanna go?
ok.. first off.. I always wanted to go.. but the point was.. SOMEONE ELSE BESIDES ME BROGHT IT UP, AND THEY SAID NOT ONCE BUT FEW TIMES.. ASK RENE... Why does someone else have to say ask Rene..  ? if he loved me and wanted me to go with and fish or just enjoy vacation.. he should have done that on his own.. or better yet.. he should have never voiced to  me.. many times.. it was someone else who came up with it.. I could be closed eye to that and BE HAPPY TO GO ON TRIP AND BE LIKE YES.. TAKE ME..
or.. I could see it as I did.. which was WOW.. fuck u.. I will stay home !! No worries. !!!

Saturday ramblin's of a crazy lady

The hits keep coming whether you notice or  not sometimes.. when you are sooo used to just hits.. sometimes you miss some or just see and view it as the daily reality.. no biggy. That is so in my case anyway. It just bounces around on a scale of shit just up and down , repeat.. etc.. Jades been gone working since Tuesday evening and its Saturday afternoon.. Phil never even flinches or says a word until late last night.. wow ! that's a caring dad for ya. Maybe I shouldn't judge , but damn.. As a mom and the soul person usually in this house by myself 24/7... yeah.. its a big deal to me !
Sent out xmas card yesterday.. close to 35 cards this year, counting phils work friends, neighbors, and mail outs. If I am gonna do just a few things this year.. I knew.. it was the year to do cards.. didn't last year. Goal accomplished.. check-check !Said I wasnt gonna cook and be on fb as much and do things for everyone.. but I have the last couple days.. I knew I just needed to. The original plan was stop all the stuff until I get shown some appreciation around here.. like no food, no cleaning, no laundry.. yeaah.. need to get on that today. Until I get something back.. I am DONE being walked on for a bit. Ohhh vacation for me.. YAY
Its kindah like this.. do and do til I cant then when I have to stop ...I blog.. blogging.. yes.. the release of all the bullshit which resides in my head. but I don't just write it down.. the things no one listens to.. I do here.. for the whole fucking word to see on the internet. YEP.. BLOGGING is fab !
Jade is god knows where.. Phil is god knows where.. and  I am here by myself.. trying to figure out which way I wanna go with this day.. I do know Jade is supposedly working and Phil is supposedly fishing.. yeah.. like that helps.. UMMM no .
Who the fuck wakes someone up at 0500 and says rest and sleep today?.. who wakes someone up … from finally a sound deep sleep.. to tell them to sleep? OMG.. yes, that happened.. wtf? Of  course then I couldn't go back to sleep and later all I could think of was,, I felt sorry for the ppl out there today that just get up and thrive each day on just fucking up everyone else lives for the day... SAD REALLY.. WOW
I could go on forever I think.. with the sadisoms… lol
So, I am still the thrifty girl.. unplug everything even to save on electric.. until something needs to be used then it gets plugged up.. cuts down on our bill ( a ot)... But I get scoffed at.. people huff and puff at me because they have to take 2 seconds to say .. plug the lamp in.. wow they are that lazy.. love the low bills , but lazy.. so I said fine.. pay the higher bill.. and don't ya know... later someone else unplugged the lamp after using it.. lol. Things we use mostly stay plugged up.. but other things get unplugged.. like phone chargers etc.. cuz whether you know it or not.. if it is in wall.. it is drawing electricity.. so if ya unplug stuff til you need it.. ya save money.. yes just like heater settings etc..

= LOVE

On the prettier side of today.. 💙

Friday up in my casa..

Bogie and Bacall on the boob tube and I have been confronted with todays huge conundrum finally.. and its now 1510 which means I am running late today.. So.. Put a red pair socks on.. fuzzy old pair.. short.. comfy RED Friday socks.. and I am cooking etc and for about an hour I feel something pokin' me and I keep thinking its something on kitchen floor etc.. I look and nothing.. goes away.. then happens again.. few times.. finally pull in my sock and realize it is something small inside  my sock.. pull it out and I find this..

which is very strange.. because we don't use those in our house.. we have none in the house period.. we only have a few of these on kitchen cabinets and they are huge ones... as you can see from pic..

I am so so confused.. how ? where did  it come from?

wasn't in my sock earlier when I put them on.. or rest of the day.. but all the sudden.. it is inside  my sock !! SO WEIRD. OMG !

Yep, I am just gifted like this. I have experiences like this on a daily.. and its funny and all.. but whomever did that.. can stop now.. hahhaha. Had enough shenanigans for one day ~

Jus Sayin'

updating EVERYTHING... phones, laptops, etc.. it is exhausting !! lol. but it must be done.. just like wiping my dogs butts so they dont get shit literally on me or my bed.. for some reason they always jump on bed and get it everywhere.. FUNNY, but NOT funny too.
Chaps my ass right now. My finger nails are dying off again too.. grrr.. but only on my left hand.. I am mostly rigt handed but my left  takes the worst of it all .. how weird. GO FIGURE.. hahah .. yup another strange fun fact about me.
So upset with people again today.. just torturing myself.. I really have no friends and ppl that care about me.. oh well. I need to find a way to let it go.. FUCK THEM ALL.
I need to stop supporting people, reaching out, being nice etc.. I always stand there with the door open for others and  then people walk by.. shrug, and them somehow always seem to slam the door back in my face.. MY FAULT.. I need to stop that shit !
I dont care even if it selfless December.. I am selfless all the time.. and I am literally surrounded by selfish assholes that some how find away to always say .. shits not about me. ! I will soon go alone and full of sorrow.. but not for me.. for them.. because they will be the ones that will soon be sad ..NOT I .. I will finally be free !!

Little Big Town - Sugar Coat

It is always something else.. isn't it?

Hiya Humpday

Where is Friday already ?

Me.. the other day..

And something cute to look at !! Christmas time is coming.. Yuck.. But shit is cute though ❤

raNDomS 4.. yes, another one

My daily reminder.. LMAO

Yep.. Daily reminder...  Thinking about being old school for some reason right now.. ya know.. like raking instead of using leaf blower. Picking up trash and cig butts instead of just throwing them down for someone else to pick up. Actually reading a book instead of listening to one. Saying Merry Christmas instead of stoooopid shit. Actually doing the work in the kitchen with food and cooking in oven.. not having machines do all for me.. I actually use like knives to peel and cut.. lol
Writing a letter or calling instead of texting and or emails.. who the fuck checks ( or uses) emails these days .. they are even obsolete mostly too!! ha
ANother huge random.. I like baths but my body doesn't. I like drinking alcohol and doing certain drugs..cooking,cleaning, dancing, singing, playing sports, house work, yard work, taking showers.. and so on.. BUT MY BODY DOESNT ! Fuck I am so screwed. My body and my brain & heart are constanty at war.. TRY THAT ON FOR SIZE Y'ALL..  No takers? hhumm. ok
House to myself today.. Kid gone for days.. unsure when she's coming back.. no worries.. Less for me to deal with. If I can handle my jackass husband that is. Sometimes he isn't bad.. sometimes he is great.. other times he is just lost and still clueless.. AGAIn I SAY.. $130.00 on a fucking un-needed Santa.. lol yeah.. I am not letting this one go yet.
Health you ask..? well good news the white stuff stopped..holding weight at about 174lbs.. still 2 heavy.. hate that. Mouth .. head issues.. that shits nuts.. every kind of infection you can possible think of.... I am trying to ward off. Talking, walking, thinking, and functions.. go up and down.. currently ok I guess.. I know what I am saying kind of.. however I will forget in 2 minutes I am sure. YES, SERIOUSLY ! No biggy though. That's old news really.. hhmm. think that's the update as of right now.. I am still alive.. YUCK.. hahhaah

More rANdoms (3)

Never NUFF... yep, I said it. OMG my dogs have serious nasty asses.. Their gas is so yuck it is literally making me sick, WOW~

70's music and getting by this a.m. Been up since 0500.. my sleeping habits are all but null right now. Horrible nights, little sleep early a.m... craziness and insanity. I finally said screw it at about 0600 and made coffee and just got started with this day. I listen to what the voices and my body tells me .. u see.. and this a.m. it said.. get up and do some shit, take notes, and we will guide you along the way... and they have indeed. People seem to think my life is glam and I live the great life and set around.. well guess what? UUUGGGHHHH !! wrong answer. Miserably sick and in so much pain.. i get up.. struggle to make coffee and get going. I do loads of laundry, dishes, refill shit all around house, sweep house, ( lots of wood floors)..mop floors, take care of dogs, .. that are killing me by the way.. they are 3 and 11.. pit and lab so their needs and wants are very different and its hard most days.. and other days extremely hard. Back to my morning.... um.. scrubbed sink, cleaned shower, huge tub.. ( i don't know how I just did that)..mopped bathrooms, laundry room, scrubbed and cleaned glass doors from shower, mirrors all over house.. etc. 

Outback.. cleaned, swept 7 million leaves, cleaned furniture, moved it around.. emptied trash.. and stopped til later til it warms up to go out and pick up dog mess etc.. toooo damn cold out there it was.. I still need to go finish.. checked stuff out front, did stuff had to do... and wait til later to clean out there and go get mail etc.. OH MY GOD.. tired just thinking about all I STILL MUST DO TODAY.. and this is most days people. THIS WAS MY POINT. I am by no means lazy unless I just cant .. but I still feed and take care dogs, play with them.. do the must do.. the dusting bedroom cleaning etc.. cooking, dishes,, and many more things until I am just ready to die many times over.. but I still try to smile.. laugh.. be funny on fb etc.. because that keeps me going and of course no one really cares anyway.. SO !! there most of it is. Wanting to get stuff done so I can rest later in bed and maybe watch a cute and or funny XMAS movie or something.. I have waited to do that.. I cant do it til after Thanksgiving.. IT IS JUST NOT POSSIBLE FOR ME ! ahaha

I do all these things for just a few reasons.. 1. If I don't .. no one will. 2. I do it for me .. so stuff stays clean etc or half ass done anyway. And I do it for my family and animals that depend on me to do it because even if they can do that shit... THEY DONT ~

rAndoMs 2..

Lol.. uum..whatever I suppose. I can be bad and still be good at the same time Y'all.

Perfect wish bone in the trash.. hahahha. I kept telling them.. either pull it .. or it's outta here. BUH BYE

Inquiring minds wanna know.. just whom would my daughter be screamin and cursing at now over the phone..? HA poor Medical billing people..

Jades cray cray over phone.. !! 

11:11 we all know has a meaning. Ppl say legend is you make a wish.. uumm wrong answer. It means an auspicious sign actually.. it signals a spiritual event or that a there is a spirit presence with you.

I however used to joke about what 12:12 meant .. hehehhe

actually though.. the best time is 12:34

it is a number sequence rare to just glance up at..take notice of.. ad it is the time when you actually

are to make a wish. and if you believe in your wish .. it will come true. HAPPY 12:34 everyone.

Anything and EVERYTHING you've ever wanted to know  about a person.. learned in 2 words guys.. SOCIAL MEDIA. Pay attention dumBASSES. Don't be one that says one day.. I had no idea.

Again.. I say  WTF... 130.00$ on a frikkin Santa !!! WHY ?

Cooking a roast. Doing laundry. Taking care of dogs. Blogging. You name it and I am doing it today.. like right now.... hahhaha 💜💋

2019 is going to be one of those crazy ass years to look back on that no one will ever forget. MARK MY WORDS !!

RanDoms

Since Halloween I have become a drinker again... I have gone through IDK how many bottles of wine and my hubby and I drink Crown Royal Apple every night.. Sometimes I drink it during day.. strong drinks.. and sometimes I drink more than him at night.. helping but not helping... says a recovering alcoholic.. but my hubby seems to be all to glad to be an enabler these days.. I am sure the motive however.. either he wants me happy and content.. or he just want s to forget himself what is really happening here.. I DONT KNOW. I am so unsure which.. which also gets me going a bit.. I cant win.
To get out Christmas decorations today or not to? .. the real question of the day.. hahah
How many cups of coffee can I drink between … uumm 0600 and 10..? lol
People have really pissed me off this a.m., blow it off Rene.. they are just trying to get your goat.. I hear in my head.. hhahahah.. yes, I will let it go.. I am cool like that.. I say what I have to and then it is the past.. done and over it is !
Daughters alarm went off many times.. over hour ago.. she kept turning it off. I finally decided to go ask.. wtf? do you need to get up or not? she lied and I walked away.. the usual.. her circus.. not mine.. I need to let it go,, she is a friggin adult after all.
December 20th right around the corner Ashley Jade... so you deal with it !!
So.. what I am feeling right now.. but still I laugh..

Intermission...

GOOD MORNIN' FOLKS

A cold Decemebr day...

What the hell was I possibly thinking by going outside when it is freezing out there.. to smoke a cig? Habits are hard to break I guess. LOL

Drinking coffee, trying to catch up with shit, watching a trippy new show "Servant" .. it's crazy.. however  must admit watching movies and playing my games these days keeps my mind occupied and going.. IT IS helping me stay afloat. I know it is ! Most the time.. when I haven't been on here .. I have been cheating and using my cell ..MEMO app to write stuff down.. toooooo lazy to pull out laptop  I suppose. and I laugh and keep myself occupied with snap chat also.. see.. example 1: 

 I try to pretend all is ok and that I AM OK ! I have to say though.. snap isn't really working for me these days.. like it was. So I have been dosing with CBD and just staying in my head as much as possible.... which indeed is so  much better than the real deal.. sometimes. Except when I have crazy dreams & visions and stuff gets nutty.. then I start to question my choices a bit.

What to do with me???? hhhmmmm. My Christmas dream and wish this year.. is one that I haven't been able to share with ANYONE.. that the miracle of just finally finding peace comes to me and I finally leave this life and my soul can move on and be happy. Yeah, like I said.. a MIRACLE ~

Until that day comes.. . you are stuck with me I guess..

I heart the Season...

December has begun...

  At the end of each day , this is what the reality boils down to Y'all…Doesn't matter if we are talking about me, you, or Joe Schmo.. It just is.. 

Here it is the third day of December and nothing new here except my hubby spent 130.00 yesterday on a 6ft animated singing ( if you push button ) Santa for the front porch.. WTF? That money could have been used for so many other things we need etc. And he also showed me he ordered 3 deer for the yard too.. WHICH HE SAID HE WOULD NEVER DO.. although they are beautiful lit up and have gorgeous golden /brownish bows on them.. now we need to get new stuff that matches that , however it is the year to buy new stuff anyways. I am soooooooo confused.. IDK!