Neverending Nightmare

Jaded her soul was becoming and she felt such pain of even the idea of that. She sat awake all night riddled with pain and worry for her daughter was in the ER and she didn't have a clue what was going on and wanted to be there at her side, but was unable to. The night seemed to last forever. She cried and kept thinking the man next to her would console her but that did not come. Way before even the sun rose.. she still wasn't home, he still slept, and the jaded soul laid there in quiet tears.
 The alarm buzzed that annoying loud buzz, .. and he sprang to hit the shower. She told him as he past that the young one was in the hospital and not a word came from him. No worry, no concern, No wonder of why... NOTHING. All the woman could do was lay there and cry and wait for a phone call that she would be coming home soon. Where had all the sympathy, Values, Morals, Ethics, Fellowship, etc gone?
She wasn't sure she could cry anymore as her soul ached ! He did his business and away he went with NO hesitations.. questions.. anything!! She was stuck alone to face what came next.. which saddened her even more because that is what partnerships are suppose to be about.. If she was to be always alone and handle stuff always alone.. then why did she lay  next to this empty man every night? why just not go and be on her own? That's all she could feel in her heart now was emptiness and pain.

Hear my calls...

My strangenes...

No, hot sauce doesn't go in coffee.. I sure almost put it there however.. hehhe.  Damn creamer was hiding and I looked right at it and still grabbed Hot sauce.. My wires are getting more frayed I guess. Last week and half I cant seem to control it at all..  that is why I have refrained from cooking, lawn equipment.. yard work, cutting stuff.. sharp objects.. ya know anything dangerous.. BECAUSE I HAVE BECOME HAZORDOUS TO MY OWN HEALTH. The harder I try to control it.. the worse it gets.. Ok.. I give in. My confusion is crazy.. I could not even begin to tell you examples or you would  plea to have me committed.. lol  WHAT A GREAT DAY IT IS TO BE ALIVE.
Fall College Football starts today.. yay.. My team plays at lunch time.. Phils at like 3 or 4.. so I know when he will be home from fishing! SAD but true.
With Fall sports comes more things that fall on his priority list before me. At least I know that going into the season however...   His list seems to just keep getting longer.. it is so hard to keep track of these days.. Let's see.. uumm. Fishing, .. AND ANYTHING AND ALL THAT GOES WITH FISHIN'...Boat, Truck, Harley, Work, Sports.. especially Football and Basketball, Racing, anything TN … the list goes on. It may not be in that exact order.. but they still ALL COME BEFORE ME !  Oh, yes I cant forget his phone, His Friends, FB, Videos, Texting Talking on cell.. his games.. THOSE ALWAYS COME BEFORE ME. Everyday it just gets worse. Maybe if I called him.. he would talk to me.. or maybe if I made videos for him.. shit would change.. But doubt it.. that only gets his attention when its his friends. OH WELL..  Fuckers 👌
I tried to talk with him last night (gotta beg for his attention).. and I got .. "WELL, JUST GO DOUBLE UP ON YOUR MEDICATION ! That and well get in bed and go rest .. are the only things that come out of his mouth.. but when I do  that.. I get attitude for that too. I cant win period..
THE PROBLEM IS.. I NEED TO STOP THINKING HE CARES AND OR ANYONES ELSE CARES AND I JUST NEED TO FLOW WITH SHIT UNTIL I FINALLY GET MY NUMBER CALLED. It is the ONLY option I have left ~ .. Done now.. I am over talking about this for today.. Maybe before he gets home.. I will be gone already who knows.. With Jades issues and all I am dealing with.. maybe today will be the day.. Jades issues I am dealing with.. DAMN, THAT IS A WHOLE OTHER BOOK. The stress level is through the roof.. on the shit meter.. it goes way past 100.. I think its infinity for me.. see another sign.. HEHAHAHAH
I figured with my Bday being in a few days.. he would put aside fishing and his fun... for one day and we could go do something .. or maybe he would take me somewhere for the weekend.. BUT NOPE ! Love is what you do.. and this is why I KNOW.. he stopped loving me a long time ago. I need to get it through my head and realize this.. STOP THINKING AND HOPING STUFF WILL GET BETTER. STOP SETTING MYSELF UP FOR FAILURE.. Yea well..
My strangeness continues.. and each hour gets worse.. Well at least I can still kindah laugh at myself a bit. When I stop that.. it is end of game.

Luke Combs - Beautiful Crazy

I can only hope.. that someone loves me this much ~

Signs...

Knowing what and when is the key to all signs. Do u even look for them? Well I tell ya what.. I do. I have to .. if I don't they just keep coming and shit whops me in the forehead really hard,,, ya know.. kindah like a brick to the forehead. LOL
If I plant a garden and stuff is growing like crazy and just beautiful and then just like that.. it gets tromped on and is gone.. that means.. ummm.. I wont be here to enjoy that garden and or take care of it.. so it is NOT meant to be.. Yes, that is the message. ! IT IS NOT GOING TO GROW.. I don't need a garden .
Another big example: when you have a candle burning and you blow it out and walk away.. and about a few feet away.. you turn back and the candle relights... YEAH, IF THATS NOT A SIGN … I AM NOT SURE WHAT IS.. that one however is a lot harder to interpret... I am still working on that one for fuck sake.. its a hard one. ahahhahahah
The extreme feeling I have been having inside my head and brain.. well been researching.. that is Tremors too, from what I can see. However.. it is another Disease I have acquired.. along with my MS and other ones. Can't remember what it is called at the moment .. but it mimics Parkinson's.. pretty much. the intense ones like I am having are the worst and it is my sign.. I wont be around much longer.  ( good sign right here).

Always look for signs my friends.. THEY ARE THERE and tell us all we need to know !! 

News Flash

Back in the down cycle again I guess.. I am doing worse health wise today.. having a rough go of shit this a.m. for reals and I am exhausted and at my limits emotionally and in every sense... All was well and just like.... that at a drop of a hat.. I asked him to look at a video and I got growled at and talked AT like a dog.. and so I said a few things and away I walked. I cant continue to battle with him everyday just because he hates I am sick.. and or doesn't love me anymore and wants me gone and I am still here. I cant live on an emotional roller coaster... it only makes my health and state of everything... 10 times worse. We go to bed and he is content cuddling with a pillow.. while I am sick and fucked up all night . in pain etc.. and cant sleep.. so I lay there hurting all night.. and he gets up and just acts like all is ok.. IT IS NOT OK... YOU CAN'T KEEP DOING THIS TO ME DAMN IT !!!
When a person has no love line and or life line.. They inevitably want to die for they have no reason to live and or be here anymore .. and I AM SO PAST THAT !!!
Just a quick update!!!

UNSURE...

Drinking the coffee, doing the laundry, doing stuff with and for the furbabies.. cleaning, etc etc.. trying to just stay a float this morning.. and here it is not even 10:30 and my batteries have already ran out.  Some morning facts: My weight is dropping fast.. haven't been able to eat and or keep stuff down for days. Some of the infections are moving on, but some are strong and I am battling hard. Can walk now, but the numbness is staying in my right foot. Eyes and ears bad.. Pretty sure going to loose one permanently soon ! GGrrr.. Hoping for the hearing to go first.. I don't know if I could handle being completely blind for the rest of my days. Been living on Hemp Oil, Salves, CBD's..etc.. and I keep loosing time and get stuck.. I am scared to leave the house.. because shit just hits at any second and all my shit so random too !! SUCKS
Skin diseases running a muck. My legs are even being effected now.. My brain is playing tricks on me.. My tremors are all inward now mostly, and I keep experiencing a sensation in my head.. was in back..at first and it felt weird like someone was reaching their hands inside my head.. I would feel strange shit like 3 or 4 times.. then it would stop.. Now it is on the side of my head more intense .. feels different and stronger and it is in a different spot and it has gone from like 4 or 5 to like 12-15 times. I cant explain and I am unsure if its mini strokes.. not the same as before.. or if it is Tremors of  the brain.. dont know if that is possible..?? or what it is. All I know is I am trying to keep track of it. I have to write everything down again.. I am getting very confused and forgetful now some times.. and trapped inside.. Its like I hear and try to answer and I am processing.. but it doesn't want to come out my mouth.. so even answers and reaction times are getting very bad. No one seems to be worried though and everyone around me still just ignores it all.. so whatevs I SUPPOSE !
Trying to say calm and less stressed.. almost impossible here, but trying hard.. This helps for the moment.. the Blueberry .. oh.. the Blueberry. STICKING WITH CANDLES FOR NOW...

Chris share....

What does MS stand for... ( yes, I get asked that)

MS means Multiple Sclerosis

MS means Many scars

MS means Many symptoms

MS means MANY STRUGGLES

MS means More strength required

MS means Mighty Strong

MS means MUCH SUPPORT NEEDED

MS means........... MY STORY

JOKER Official Trailer #2 (2019) Joaquin Phoenix, DC Superhero Movie HD

Send in the clowns !!!

Update on the Blueberry issue...

So after reading my other entry and then reading this update.. I am sure you will start to understand how my life generaly works.. especially when I say its up and down. This seems to be the constant and that is why I cant find a stable happy medium most days.. it just like skips that part... every damn time.. HEHEHHE.

Recap: Was screwed over by a Cali store when buying some Blueberry air freshener.. I was stuck with no refund, no exchange, 4 bottles of shit I didn't order .. and was fighting with the company, Amazon Prime, and my hubby.. It was crazy stuff !! I cant make this stuff up Y'all… lol

Anyway, after I posted yesterday morning I getta text from my hubby saying they had refunded his money after a couple weeks.. and I said well that's great.. now we need to get the money back for my messed up order especially since it was their fault.. the whole ordeal... GGGRRR..

The hubby went in account... sent a quick message and bammmm just like that the process was being over turned.. I guess they just didnt want to deal with a woman,,shit IDK. He gets home is corresponding nicely with them and by dinner time.. He got the other order refunded.. WTH? The whole scenario just mind fucked me.. LMAO.. Plus, I also was sent the other sprays I ordered that the PO had for me.. all orders complete, all refunds done.. all good as my peach cobbler.. OMG.. 

Moving on... SMH

jus sayin'

Commentation from "The Peanut Gallery"

Always plant your feet firmly! Always stand your ground!

The only question you ever need ask yourself is: Do I know where my feet are going.. and where I am PUTTING THEM?

Biggest Fallacy EVER..: It's not habit forming. Everything is or can be habit forming.. remember that people.. always remember that !

Women never ask your man .. what is on his mind. Because you will NEVER and I MEAN NEVER,  going to get the answer you want to hear.. (Period) ~ 

If you keep these as your new rule of thumb.. YOU CAN'T GO WRONG. 😁

In tHe MiddLe of ThE WeEk...

Hoping today we all can cope with the pain. That is my only problem.. ALL THE PAIN.
I am either dealing with it.. or taking stuff to help me deal with it.. either way .. it sucks balls.
I was visited by a hummer again this morning and was awoken by dreams of snakes.. different but I think I have it figured out . In other words I know what is coming. Stay tuned I suppose and if you are going to get out in the BS known as today.. SLAY IT BEOTCHES.... Slay it and be bold !

IT JUST IS

I know a lot of my posts may sound..at times.. negative and bleak.. but I am not trying to spiff up my posts just to look and sound better than I am. I am sharing raw and real emotion with you.. or not you.. maybe I dont have any followers.. maybe it's just me seeing and reading this.. either way.. KEEPING IT REAL ! It always has baffled me how people can go years and not know someone ...they think they know. Like when some guy goes nuts and kills his family, is a serial killer maniac, and a damn lunatic.. and they show his neighbors, friends, and family .. talking... saying he was so sweet and such a great guy... shit blows me away. We can never really be sure who someone is.. unless they show us. We dont know what others are feeling and thinking unless we pick up on clues.. or back to first thing.. THEY SHOW US. With me however.. everyone knows I am a realist and I will be the first one to say .. my lunch basket is a fucked up mess and own that shit all day long.
I am SO FAR from perfect , my family and personal life are ggrrr.. and I am a very sick & a  dying person. TRANSPARENT I AM !!
I have no secrets really. If you have read my posts... U already know I am so ready just to be done with this life... I AM COMPLETE I CAN GO NOW !  Just waiting around however par as usual !!!

Sitiations that make you goooo...

Well fuck ! Fuckity fuck, fuck... fuck. Yes, we all have them I know. My latest one is kinda funny, but at the same time very frustrating and annoying to me.  So, some weeks back I ordered a Blueberry Spray.. which IS awesome.. I must say.. even hubby liked it.. actually so much so.. he wanted to indeed order more. So he went on a quest and ordered 2 more .. so he thought and they got here and were wrong order. At first we blew it off.. and were just going to chalk it up as he clicked on wrong ones. So.. days go by and we both really want another spray.. He orders some other ones.. still this time gets scents he doesnt like.. 2 Wiccany I suppose .. I looked up my order from Amazon and I said.. I got this babe.. I sat down and ordered 2 more.. so excited we were.. yay BLUEBERRY coming. 

It shipped and gets here early.. yay.. I am so excited and when I open ..it is 2 more of the wrong sprays.. the bottles look alike. I thought ok,, easy fix.. I will contact them and get the right ones. Cant go through Amazon to do that.. but they connect you with Seller of product. Send email.. explain situation.. 24 hours later.. I get a basic empty email response except product has been discontinued.. WHAT REALLY? So I send another email.. a little bit nastier now... asking for refund and once again explaining situation.. I asked how could they screw over people like that and just send them whatever.. thinking that was ok?? Come on now?? !! 

So, within like 2 seconds email pops up.. no trying to fix the situation other than.. they will only refund and fix if I send sprays back to Amazon.. But that alone is a screwed up process... so now I am stuck with no spray.. 4 I didn't order and a BS circus to get money back.. Now tell me.. if this shit isn't fucked up , just a bit ?? Yes.. see I told you. On top of that.. to make matters worse.. it caused my hubby and I to fight .. on multiple levels.. GGRRR.. and all over Blueberry scented spray.  FUBAR it is !!! 

At that time I ordered those.. I also ordered more small sprays I had gotten before.. Instead of just 2 small ones.. I ordered like 6.. some for me.. some for Phil.. just incase .. and because if nothing else those would work.. But for some reason , cuz I ordered 6 I suppose.. when they came to drop off it required my signature.. wow ok.. missed the delivery guy.. and so I signed the drop off slip .. and put back in mailbox because it said they would try to deliver again and after today if not able.. then I would have to go to Post office to pick package up.. So yesterday thinking mailman would pick up slip and leave package.. he takes slip, but no package.. WTF? Today if he does not leave it or I cant catch him.. I am going to be pissed and will have to figure out a way to get to PO and get it !! All this over fucking Blueberry scent sprays.. WOW.. REALLY? I  am certain there is a reason why.. but not sure I will ever figure it out. Ha 

WHY IS IT SO HARD..??  JUST TO GET BLUEBERRY SCENTED SPRAYS ?🍷 WHY ?????

Heart U

Wishing you a great day out there. Let no fools take you under this day & take no prisoners' folks !

I have no more words of wisdom for the moment. I am in so much pain and so sick.. I am just going to try to make it through the day. Hope you reading this.... can make it too !! 💗

Can I go now?

So much going through the brain..it hurts this morning bad. I slept about , maybe 2 hours.. if that . I was stuck and couldn't get out of the thoughts.. I am unsure if its the Hemp oils or what , but cant get outta my head.. GGrrrr. Yesterday was frustrating though so.. All was ok and then at a drop of a hat shit went sideways again.. and the stress level in the casa went through the roof.. once again I needed 2 seconds to talk with him and he was watching fishing on TV and I was background garble to him.. I asked a question because I needed his help and input and he went nutso on me and started talking at me like a dog again.. so abrupt when he does it.. its so uncalled for. I this time lashed back with raised voice and grrr.. and I as I was walking... talking to some one else... other than him.. he was talking shit.. so I yelled he was a dick and I wasn't talking to him.. and I got a " GOOD" yelled at me.. so no talking the rest of the night. I cant stand.. he doesn't understand what a sorry is. He just thinks as time goes by.. all is ok. WELL IT IS NOT ! This shit is really fucking me up. I need communication.. and all he does it get mad at me everyday and treat me as an inconvenience to him.. I AM STARTING TO GET SO LOST !!!
I am so sick and I just cant cope with all this.. I still get the shit daily because I cant eat. he just needs to understand.. and just stop all the BS. I ate a drop for him last night and was sick so bad.. I have been in such pain and its not stopping...I cant keep food in my system and me getting upset is making all this BS move faster.. I just cant get him to understand... WTF? He also told me he would go get meds I needed and instead of standing to his word.. he pulled out cleaners and shit and started pulling all his fishing stuff out and serving his poles. So, then the cleaners immediately made me sick and he scoffed at me and I was scolded again.. WHY? FUCK. I don't understand what's going on.
My weight is dropping quick now. I guess I will just waste away in my bed..but hell these days.. if I am laying down or in bed.. he gets shitty too.. So much for the promises he made about helping me and doing stuff.. helping me keep up with house.. dogs.. etc. He has used just all the empty words again.. and then makes me feel bad and throws blame on me.. like I am responsible.. hell I don't fuck up his shit.. he still follows his own schedule and does for himself,, he is always on phone, talking with or texting his friends.. playing his games, watching videos, or whatever he wants..he goes fishing and does what he wants... when he wants and I don't say a word.. But I get shit constant. I am just fucking done.. and if that means just shut him out and just ride shit out on my own .. then so be it.
My fucking Bday is coming up quick and that thought alone just sickens me and makes me sad.. why do I wanna celebrate a day which only leads to more days of this fucked up life? Really not looking forward to year coming up being here, year since I lost my Bo, My bday.. and the days that are right around the corner. ALL OF THEM JUST MAKE ME SICK !!! I lost almost a year ago everything that was my life. I had to sell everything that meant something to me.. I had to leave my home and KY, I had to stop driving, gave my car to daughter.. and then got here.. with shit being bad and I lost my Bo Dean.. after him.. it was all gone.. this past year has been the worst year of my life !!! REALLY IT HAS ! I even saw that without a doubt.. my husband had stopped loving me long ago,,  So.. I am in NO rush for the days that are almost here. I am reminded everyday already !! Just stop this ride and let me of .. WOULD YA?

Elton John - Rocket Man (Official Music Video)

I can't help but think if I had been a bit older.. Elton and I would have been great friends... 4'Reals..
I miss my music player on here.. guess I just need to start adding more videos.. huh?

PurPle HaZe

In my haze earlier .. I did manage to snap a few pictures playing on the floor with my furbabies.. In all my sickness even. Happy Monday crazy people 💜

In the Know ~

Maybe this should be the permanent Motto? Whatcha think? Well I will use it just for today and see what happens.. ahahha.

Movie morning maybe and try to get rid of this damn stomach virus stuff and if nothing else at east go try to be at peace for a second. I can not keep any food in my system.. I ate a bit last night for hubby and I was sick and couldn't sleep until about 0330 this a.m. and even then it was up and down every 15 to 20 minutes. It wasn't sure which end it wanted to come out.. so I used both..was in the bathroom and balled up all night crying etc. Thank the gods that stopped earlier.. if it kept on that bad today I was going to ask someone to take me to ER later.. My body is going through these strong rejection phases and that can not be good at all. The pain however.. is what I cant stand anymore.. just want to be pain free for a day.. is that toooo much to ask for??

People always wonder what I don't put on Social media.. well here it is guys.. and raw as all get out. NOW YOU KNOW !!!

Well .. Well.. Well.

Oh my goodness I keep getting stuck in these time traps.. It was just 0800 now it is like 11:15 what the hell..? where is my time going? I am confused, but at the same time not confused.. how can that be? I guess I am scared to admit even to myself that shits getting bad with me... or I am just that special.
Cool and quite.. cloudy and gray.. it has  been raining all morning .. finally a break here in Alabama weather. I have had the Blueberry candles burning.. house smells relaxing and yummy and a sick smell. I hate that sick yuck smell… maybe only I can smell it.. I am sure.. but I really don't like it.. either way. So I am on a Blueberry kick around the house.. its great..
The last couple days have been nuts in my world.. The weekend flew by .. but was like in different time increments,,,... I cant explain. I think I was abducted by aliens.. yeah, that's it.. abducted.. ! lol
Funny how one person makes and changes the atmosphere in the whole house. Yesterday a.m. was weird.. then it went way south fast for hours.. then a call came in and just like that.. all was fixed again... but man I was mad and at my limit with BS up in this casa.. I was ready to kick someone's ass!! Straight up. .. no names.. but it wasn't my daughter and it wernt the dogs.... so … LOL
It was one of those moments when he tries to triumph and show who actually owns this house etc..
 all I could think of was... SHALL WE PLAY A GAME?  in that old computer voice too.. from "War Games" movie back in the day. If that was before your time and you have no clue.. I will say to you.. GO GOOGLE IT BITCHES !
Anyway.. I was ready to play and I was going to win. But like I said ..a phone call came in.. we had to go help out someone and it changed the whole tone and mood just like that.. Strange .. very strange. I tried to stay mad, but couldn't.. he had stepped up when he was needed finally.. AND THAT WAS ALL I WANTED FROM THE GET GO. Imagine that.. surprise ! surprise !!!
Then I heard the quote of the day and smiled.. it was perfect.. You have got to be a 5 star, Solid gold.. fucking moron !! I laughed.

Monday again.. I say go forth and be fierce today Y'all..
Start the day off with an open and grateful heart and maybe shit wont look so bleak.
Don't let it be an "add to cart" kinda day either. 😏 Be so happy.. that it drives people around you nuts.. I say ! But, whatever you do.. do not fall for that old saying " Hustle & Heart " will set you apart.. That 2 is a huge Fallacy. No matter how good you are and how kind.. people will always be there to shoot you  down, piss on you, and shit in your cheerios.. it just is my friends. Just follow your inner voice.. it will guide you.

Jus Remember

You might not be okay right this very moment. You might be living your life minute to minute.. (like me)..

But, that is just how things are sometimes..  it's how the cookie crumbles y'all.

But you will be okay eventually !!  Or you will just  die.. LOL

No seriously.. It will all pass and you will then be looking back.. going damn.. I had it all along. I rawk and kick ass... 

Keep track of what's happening to you if you are sick.. We the sick ones know best when it comes to our bodies & our health.. Trust yourself !

At the end of the day..no one is looking out for you completely ..., but YOU.

JUS REMEMBER 

~ No Surrender Saturday ~

Follow your inner Warrior/ Angel today.

Listen with your soul and not just your ears

Listen with your heart and hear all that is being said. The truth will guide you today beautiful ones.. if you let it !!!

My voices are screaming at me right now.. saying get in bed and watch a movie. My ass has been kicked seriously the last week especially and I am fighting infections really hard.. for me to win I MUST LISTEN TO MY INNER SELF ! Use this day wisely my Friends ❤

Chris Lane - I Don't Know About You (Official Music Video)

Where would I be w/o coffee...

When others don't take one second to be thankful what for what has been given to them.. that gets me a bit hot under the collar.. I am letting that stuff get to me.. and I am trying soooo hard to let that stuff go, but it is nearly impossible.. cuz I am plagued with it 24/7/365.
Everyone forgets that not only do their choices effect them, but all around them. Hello PEOPLE,,, wake up damn it~ Perfect example: My youngest daughter.. every time she screws up it costs us money.. and she seems to not think about that aspect of her circumstances.. GGRRR.. I hope one day she will put that towards at least helping others that have gone down that same path she choose. Again.. I will stay positive.. IT COULD HAPPEN.. IT COULD.. MAYBE ,, ONE DAY.

Morning giggle... Coffee spelled backwards is eeffoc.. so just know that I don't get a eeffoc until I have had my coffee.. LMAO

Saturday fun Facts...

You cant see your ears without a mirror

You cant count your hairs

You can not breath through your nose with your tongue out

You just tested that !!

You are smiling right now..  GOTCHA .. HA

Seeing ...

Friday Tips for Coping

• Figure out how to move forward after diagnosis 
• Find positive coping mechanisms for you 
• Navigate the different emotions that you may be experiencing
• Identify things that can help improve your quality of life
• Identify causes of stress in your life
• Improve communication with others
• Process losses that you may have experienced due to your Diseases.. 

UK LOVE or NOTHING....

Let's get personal..

Well duh? This is a PERSONAL BLOG.. lol. Yes, I will get personal.. and you can either like it.. or not.. if not.. get off my page people. Simple as that ! I am not SORRY now, nor will I ever be for being me.. PERIOD!
I can post all the bs I want at anytime.. what a great feeling of control.. the one thing I have left seriously. I could post recipes, jokes, Health updates,  and even Tall Tales.. if I want to. I have the power.. hehehehe. You know you wanna know  .. when I paint my toe nails.. and what I ate for lunch, and see 50 selfies a day ! Thank goodness.. it could be worse folks ! O MY.

Silly Silly People....
My Southern Word for today: Yawnto? hahaha ~ I do declare.. ~ 💕💙

Remember if Today gets difficult think of the smell of  your coffee, the way the sunlight came through your window this morning, and your favorite persons laugh. If that doesn't do the trick of keeping your outlook for today positive.. then screw it.. be a bitch, get nasty, and tell people to suck a dick and stop raining on your parade !

It be Redness round here

 (R)emember  (E)veryone (D)eployed.. 

Morning Chit Chats...

Meal of Champions.. The soup , drink and freezer pop for yesterday. I did however also eat some Chicken alfredo .. my hubbs made later.. so I wouldn't get shunned and treated like crap all night. But at least I can say.. he is trying and loves me and wants me to eat. At least I have that I suppose.. I was so sick all night , but never said a word.. Doubt he even knew.. he never even thinks about that stuff.. When it is way tooooo late .. he will. Sad , but true. I love him though.. MY HUBBS...❤

And so... another week ends without me becoming unexpectedly rich.. LMAO

Well scratch my happy ass Y'all… IT IS FRIDAY .. whooaaa ~

One day closer to College Sports for the Fall.. YES !!!

Forever I will bleed BLUE

LMAO.. that was the last 2 days.. no throwing up today.. YAY me.. ✌

Watzzzz up?

My hands are getting bad again.. I know my pics aren't the best but soon I will look like a burn victim again... and I refuse to go through treatments, needles, steroids, etc again.. no reason to. That alone is torture.. just for it to all come back over and over and I am this far in the game now... so no reason to do it.  I just will treat and move on.. I will have to get used to people possibly looking at it and having to explain I am not contagious.. I AM JUST SICK.. and I have multiple types of skin diseases etc.. They will have to just deal with it and move on I suppose.

My face is swollen beyond words. my lips swell, my throat swells.. haven't been able to eat anything but soup and freezer pops for days.. My mouth & tongue hurt so bad.. it is like I am constantly being punched and I am about to even loose all my teeth.. my gums don't even feel right, but then again they told me already I probably had multiple forms of mouth cancer.. That C word again..

WHATEVER ~  I just want it all over with already.. Someone please have mercy on me.. JUST END IT ALREADY !!! Pics taken Wednesday the 21st and they have worsened since these were taken.. go figure. At least you have some kind of idea what it looks like a bit anyways...
One good pic from yesterday however.. it was frikking awesome.. My youngest daughter Jade.. had her Tats done on the 20th,, She had roses done connecting other Tats and also..( that's our side of her body).. she had a note from me.. put on her arm.. pretty cool.. maybe one day.. after I am gone.. she will look at that and say.. I GOT THIS.. and know... I am with her .. Pretty cool indeed ~

Don't you feel bad .....

Can someone please do me a favor and go over and lift the needle up off the 45? That shit keeps repeating over and over and I am about completely insane now. I would do it myself but for some reason It wont let me.. IDK? So.. please help a sister out..
 Ya know I just had the worst of the worst happen.. grrr.. I hate when I write a complete entry.. full page and some how I hit a button or move to fast and my laptop is so sensitive that it removed and deleted the whole entry.. dang it. It was good too.. Usually it saves as I go , but for some reason today it is not doing that.. hhmmm.. I WONDER ..
oh well..
That goes perfectly with the rest of my morning...
Back to the point already.. lol
When ya run out of shit to say and all your calming scents, sounds, and tricks aren't working.. Houston we have a HUGE problem !
Never let others make you feel bad about being sick Y'all. I deal with that in my house and I would not wish that on anyone. It is the worst. In my case.. I expected compassion and understanding and was given verbal , mental bullshit instead. Like I don't already feel bad enough I cant do the same shit as you and which I once could. Like I don't physically feel like a 18 wheeler just hit me and left the scene... I couldn't eat what and when you wanted to eat so instead I was made to suffer for that. That is Bullshit no matter how you serve it.. When you are around someone sick show more patience, love, and compassion for what they are going through.. Don't yell at them and make them feel worse.. for fucks sake ! That is just wrong on every level of humanity. We don't know how others are feeling or what they may be thinking and shunning and shaming and scolding them in a time of need.. I AM PRETTY SURE IS NOT THE ANSWER.. TO ANY SITUATION. So, if you are in this scenario.. on either side of the coin.. just stop and don't let it happen.. show compassion and have a heart damn it !!

OH my, where has this morning gone already? I have been in a time numbing trap since about 0800.. that cant be good. But, at least I am out now and still am able to realize I was in one.. when I stop knowing is when everyone should worry.. I wont know. .. cuz I wont remember but others SHOULD notice. Which leads me to my next point... I do this blog for many reasons.. mostly because my hands and fingers cant write anymore well,, and certainly because I need to get it out.. this is my therapy and Journal really.. so am I worried about others.. family and friends(ok).. reading it? No I am not! I am not ashamed to say what I have to say.. I am honest about what happens to me daily.. and seeing as how I realized my closest peeps.. have NO CLUE and know absolutely 0 about me.. this has to be a good thing for someone.. Maybe one day it will even be used as an enlightenment tool for them.. I doubt it.. but it COULD HAPPEN SOMEDAY !
IT COULD...😉💕
My next point also should be taken very serious as well.. I want to be loved & valued not only on special days.. but  EVERYDAY !! I just don't understand why this is such a task. To be loved and wanted to be valued.. you'd think that would just be something ones do everyday for the ones and to the ones they love.. You should be on the team of your loved one.. NOT THE OPPOSING TEAM WHICH IS TRYING TO TAKE THEM OUT. I don't know.. maybe its just me.. but I thought that's what life and love is suppose to be about after all.. I could be the odd man out.. on this one too however !! ggrrrr… I guess just because I have a caring heart doesn't mean others do !!

Had to throw a funny in there. I don't do this.. but I figured it would lighten up this post.. heheheheheh. 😜 Sometime I get deep into my noodle and I try to keep myself focused and side tracked by the humor and giggle factor.. one of the last tricks I have left in my goodie bag.
I am simply me and very raw most the time.. if you know me at all.. you know that.. if  you don't know that.. don't feel bad.. even my family and close loved ones don't !! I don't fault you... LMAO

A Quickie....

Ya know.. they say that everything happen for a reason.. and I have always firmly stood behind those words.. it all has it's own time and place .. even though we know not why. So, (Jus Sayin') so don't be surprised by my reaction if you disturb me during my morning coffee. Cause & effect people, Talky ! LOL

Thursday Note and Reminders:💜

Your spirit needs recharging at least as often as your phone or laptop Y'all. Make some time today to try and reconnect with yourself. It will give you more go go juice to deal with all the a-holes out there amongst us ! 

The razor blade is sharp but it can not cut a tree. the axe is strong, but it cant cut a hair. Everyone is important according to their unique purpose. Never ever look down on anyone else .. if you can help it.. unless you are admiring their shoes. Good rule of thumb for today and everyday. We do not know what is going on with others.. we must try to keep compassion within !!

I am very sick, but wanted to show a pic anyways since.. this is a blog ~ No filter ever made can hide my look of illness.. Thats ok.. why should I hide anything? I am who I am... this is simply me.. Well it was me yesterday.. lol

August 21 st around lunchtime to be precise !! hahaha

😉

Slay it

Today is a new day... New chances... New paths to take.. a whole new roadway is out there.. but seeing as how it is already closer to lunch than breakfast and mine has all been like I am trapped in a "Groundhog" day or a bad episode of "twilight Zone".. it is safe to say ...that today it will be the same for me. You have a chance though.. make it happen.. GET UP AND SLAY THE DAY JACKASS.. do it for us both ! heheheheh

Random thoughts again:.. just over take me. Right now for some odd reason... I am thinking that to ignore bad or evil, is to say I am an accomplice to it.. which is true.. IT REALLY IS.😜
If you let something happen and or take just the smallest part in it.. YOU ARE JUST AS QUILTY . Own that shit already.. OWN IT !
Stop the labels.. Stop the writing and rewriting and erasing of what has happened.. Stop all the craziness ! STOP THE INSANITY.. I SAY ,, STOP
~ Take a moment to appreciate all the times you showed up and handled your business even when all the choices sucked ass.. Try to reward yourself a bit for making the hard decisions.. TRY ~
WORD OF THE DAY: Yawnto? hahahhaha.. Yes, I am needing to laugh right now.. shh. .. Just go with it .

EXACTLY !  LMAO

Another Day on the Chain Gang....

I'm pretty sure today is Tuesday, however I wont be sure until this posts and I read the day at the top. hahha. True story ! All the days now just seem be one for me... The days fly by and my health gets worse and I know not sometimes what the plan is. This is my secret however because I still hide as much as I can from the others .. that's when they are around. They don't like listening to me etc.. and I know they noticed my memory loss and confusions are getting worse.. so they try to avoid that stuff with me anyways. They cant deal with shit so in turn I don't deal well either... I so I try to just deal with it on my own...
One tries to make up for time gone.. by bringing stuff home for me to eat and items she thinks I would like... She still hasn't guessed.. I would just rather have her here. The other totally closes it all out.. he buys stuff for the house thinking that will  make me happy and content and fix stuff.. if we don't talk about stuff.. in his mind it doesn't exist.. Well, newsflash.. buying stuff does not make a house a home and or fix stuff that is broken. That is why nothing ever gets accomplished.. because they have absolutely no follow through with anything.. when shit starts braking or getting worse.. they just run from it and ignore it.. like its going to get fixed automatically or something.  Neither one of them wants to face facts and just handle shit head on.. I am the only one in this family that does this and is a realist.. It is my curse, but also my saving grace and who I am.. and I would want that NO OTHER WAY.

Tuesday Tips:
 *Never eat Peanut Butter at anyone's house.. especially if the jar has already been opened .. and certainly not if they own a dog... Think about it. I will leave that right there for ya ! LMFAO.. Now you are going to think about this all day.. YOU ARE WELCOME ~ 😉 { wink wink}

* If you are the kind of compassionate soul that constantly reaches out to others.. you  need to make sure you can handle what action will be coming your way. All things have consequences .. good and bad.. just have the right mind frame to deal and cope for either way it will turn out.

(Me).. uum.. I reach out and give all I have and all I have done is hurt myself and have accomplished nothing... except wasting my time. I opened up and everyone just has left me standing there like a dumbass with my heart in my hand. … and everyone just went on about there way after they got what they needed from me. So, in my case.. I need to shut that shit down and just keep to myself.. no more reaching out to others around me… no more reaching out to Jades friends and certainly not to Phil's friends and all the wives.. especially the wives.. all they have done is screw me pretty much.. take my words and ideas.. try to pass them off as their own.. and act like on social media they wanna get together.. etc.. but its all just a dog and pony show. SCREW THAT. I don't do dog and pony shows people.. understand that !!? I DO NOT DO SHOWS !! Either you are a friend or not.. no bullshit crap . I am me online just as I am me in person. I have learned the hard way however not to many people are as they portray themselves to  be on social media. Screw that.. life is to precious etc.. too be a fake ass bitch on FB.. I got their numbers now!! They need to get a frikkin clue. I reached out and opened up and they all shot me down like I was an intruder.. they filled me with buckshot they did !!
To them I say buh-bye !

*Buying new stuff does not make a house a home & money and things don't fix issues. Talk it out and if you cant do that.. then prepare and brace yourself for a lifetime of letdowns and insincerities ! The tip.. would be .. know what you are dealing with so you are prepared as possible in any scenario of the heart !!!

Weekend in the News...

My weekend is here and the same as always.. everyone is gone.. I am here alone & sick .. taking care of dogs and house.. What excitement .. I think I might just go crawl back up in the bed and act like I am not alive.. but even a redo wont fix anything, because it all will have the same outcome.. Sucks being me.. Such as life .. Really don't see any sunshine in my future.
My memory is getting bad, confusing everything now, badness in a whole is just sweeping faster through my body.. but I am ready to go.. I said what I needed to say to my oldest and heard her voice finally after 7 years , but that has changed nothing.. I was stupid to think my daughter would stay in contact with me.. I was stupid to think my husband would take a day off fishing and spend time with me to just go do something special by ourselves.. I was stupid to think my youngest daughter would get her shit together.. nothing has changed.. I AM READY TO GO.
I give and have given all I am and all I have. I have nothing left so I suppose I will just go shrivel up in the bed now... and even sadder than that.. no one will probably notice or even care !
Have a safe weekend out there Y'all …. live and love to the fullest

Let me tell ya ..

a little story about a girl named Rene.. She loved the out doors, she loved to work and play. Her get away after a long crazy day or week.. would be to go fishing at the lake with her special man.. her hubby.. indeed. It wasn't much, but they would pack up their bags... and to the Marina they would go.. she'd be so excited.. you just don't know. They would load up the boat.. and back away.. the air, the water, the sun.. and her man... certainly made the day. They would fish, swim, tell stories, share everything .. just them two.. she was so happy .. she didn't know what to do.. Hours they would spend on the boat.. then they would pack up the gear and it was time to head home. She almost hated going home.. she loved the quiet.. she loved the fishing.. she loved the air, the water.. and certainly the time away.. that also happened to be the most time she spent with her man.. THAT WAS her special time.. their time to unplug..  and time to unwind, and enjoy each other and their life.. She cherished that time. She CHERSIHED those moments.
Then the day came her man barely came home.. and the boat just sat at the dock. She longed to go fishing and longed to be on their boat. The days would be hot, and then came the cold..  the seasons would pass quicker now...and the boat dock was the boats only home. She cried for there was no more swimming and fishing. She cried because she longed for those moments once more... she was alone and sick now and her hubby was never there. One day the phone did ring.. it was her hubby saying to look out for this man..  he was coming to the house to take the boat off her hands... another was coming to take her boat and it be his and his families now.. all she could do was cry !! She was heart broken and her hubby ..knew not why. She would tell him she wanted to do those things while she still could.. but he had gotten a new boat and new fishing friends... and didn't seem to care.. for he wasn't effected by what had taken place there....  Her days of fishing and spending that time with her man.. had all but gone away.. Another part of her life.. poof.. just like that.... all of it.. just gone at a moments notice.  Her life was never the same again. Rene has no happy ending. It was all just plucked away from her at the blink of an eye...... Rene was left alone in a storm of pain and despair.... Rene was never the same !!  THE END !!!!
So when you are out fishing and spending the days on the water with your friends.. Don't get shitty with Rene …  Cuz Rene now has nothing.. Nothing to do with her man.. NOTHING to call her own.. she is sick and pretty much a prisoner in her own home ! Enjoy your day fishing !!

😢

💜

💙

💔

Friday update

Stuff still the same for the most part .. but my throat keeps wanting to close up.. eating getting very hard again.. been living off cup a soaps and freezer pops... so much pain everywhere.. and I will be ice cold.. but my insides feel like they are on fire and I am running a temp.. yeah, try to figure that one out. lol !  My eyes, walking, and even thinking are getting worse. My skin diseases have stepped up their game a notch also.. I am having great difficulty just trying to maintain everyday things like taking shower, shaving, brushing my teeth etc.. and if ya think this is easy.. you are way wrong.. takes me like 30 minutes to do like 1 sentence. I am so scared.. I don't want to go through what I already went through.. having to depend on others for everything.. I hate it.. and I get so sad and depressed.. because no one wants that position in my life..i just set and waste away while everyone just carries on about their business around me.
If ya want to understand how I feel.. I will use this metaphor..
it's like being on the Titanic.. while it's going down.. everyone is getting in their life boats and pushing you down.. stomping on you..  even though there is room to get in.. No one will help and they just float away while looking at you.. going down with the ship !! Sad huh? Truth.. ggrrrrr😢 

Do come in...

Warning However.. once you enter.. you may not be able to get back out!! Jus sayin'

Caveo sisvide  ( Beware & use caution.. Pay attention )    ~ Me ✋

If anyone has communication with Thanatos today.. Tell that Bastard.. I don't care if he's a God.. I am waiting on his ass. HE NEEDS TO HURRY the "F" up... PERIOD !!!!

What now?

Giving your full heart and getting barely just 1% back truly sucks big time.. Just not fair..., I mean I know life isn't fair by any means, but I keep thinking.. maybe.. just maybe I will be cut a break.. Yeah, that will never come. When you hurt so bad and still have nothing.. what do you do? How is one suppose to handle that? Yes... I guess I will just be making this shit up as I go along.. because no one prepares you for this shit.. and even if you were taught something to help.. yeah.. it still wouldn't work.. because then life would be entirely TOOOOOO easy. If it was just on one front... then I could deal so much better.. but its at every turn.. its along each path.. and its a huge abyss that keeps showing up right in front of you!!! WHAT THEN?? IT'S KILLING ME.. IT IS MY HELL.
Really I am still at the same place I was a week ago,, only a bit worse.. because more has been  dangled in front of me that I will never be a part of.. Still the torture.. I get it life.. I REALLY DO.
That's why I wonder everyday WHY AM I STILL HERE??  I have no one.. I have nothing.. I just exist in the no quality of life.. locked up in a house.. I am being realistic and stating facts.. I am not trying to be a sap whiny baby.. I am just stating what is..... MY LIFE .
It's Friday.. YAY.. really it doesn't matter what day it is though .. they just all seem to flow together these days.. Bleh !!!
 * Keep calm.. avoid selfish ppl today
* Do not fall for that crap that the older you get... shit gets easier and you become wiser.. Because that is not always the case. When you are ill as I am.. shit never gets easier and the stuff you learn.. you tend to forget.. or it doesn't matter because everyone around you is playing a completely different game .. as people did back in the day.
* The saying goes.. you cant reach for anything new if your hands are full of yesterdays junk, but that's a set up also.. we can not control others and choices and decisions that effect us.. that were made by someone or everyone else.. DONT FOOL YOURSELF.. You will fail. YOU WILL FAIL !!
* The only thing you can do is: Follow your intuition, be smart, be brave, be you, tell the truth.. but take no shit ~

Blow & Pray

Well, here we go backwards again... I say we because.. I am referring to every individual in my house.. Phil and Jade driving me nuts with their beefs. The dogs feeling the tension... so dogs are acting up and etc too.. I was starting to get better and I have gotten so stressed, worried, etc.. that now my health is going 5 steps back too. My lips started peeling again which means all that crap is coming again.. My face , throat etc are swelling and horrible again.. I am getting to the point I cant eat and when I do nothing stays in my system. I am just over it all. I cant win.. I haven't even been able to fully walk now in 3 days !! My eyes started this morning and my hearing loss.. and I have been keeping track of inverse Tremors for a few days now.. and it has doubled.. I have gone from a handful to 15 to 20 or more.. I couldn't keep track last night because I was in a frozen state.. outta my mind with pain and everything going on.. It's hard to do anything when you feel like you have a high power jackhammer going off inside your body ripping it apart SLOWLY !!!! No exaggeration there either ! Loosing sensation and extreme numbness again even in my feet. I almost cant even bare to give a full Health update this morning , because shits just so bad,, nothing good to report at all  ~
My end stages have begun now and its all hitting faster and with more intense. FUCK !
Ok.. got that outta my system now. Moving on !!!

Yep, this is me ALWAYS ROLLING THE DICE ~

Wednesday Memos... Need to smile no matter what.. IT could be worse..don't know how at this moment.. but it could be.

Don't sweat the small stuff today.. Try to be well. Try to embrace life and this day.. it may be all I have left ! And do not fall for that crap .. it's all small stuff.. BECAUSE THAT IS FALLACY .

* We are ALL secretly weird & even lost.. yearning just to be seen sometimes !!!

My tricks of keeping my shit together are starting to not work anymore.. I guess I just need to keep counting.

Just happens 2 B..way back Wednesday💛

P!nk - Beautiful Trauma (Audio)

ONLY YOU PHILLIP LEE

THIS ONE IS FOR YOU MY DARLIN' LOVING PHILLIP LEE...

Wearing my KY blue (cats forever) shirt... lol and also an Orange Vols Hat  just for you !

Only you will understand this.. but that's super okay, because it's meant ONLY FOR  YOU ! 💙

My time will be up soon..{or not}... but most likely, ITSAH COMING.. I know it is !
Important message to all.. I love you more than any words could ever express.. and in this life time.. I am so happy you were with me for the ride. We had lots of bumps and blowouts along the journey, but I can only hope I loved you all ENOUGH. I am connected to you.. You are connected to me, and will shall forever be and beat as one heartbeat !!!  Just a goofy ass picture.. so you know that even in my final days and moments.. I will still be as humorous as I possibly can.. and I want you to all try to only think about all the good times, Love, & Laughter we have shared. THANK YOU FOR COMPLETLING ME !!!

Todays Reneisms

I really need to have a manual attached..heheheheh
When ya think about me.. there are only a handful of things you need to remember ,... I am passionate about (if ya haven't guessed already).. My Family, My Friends, Supporting our Troops, Leadership, and our Country, Sensible Politics, and only the WORTH WHILE CAUSES that plague our beautiful Country.. Not big on BS !! Would rather be LOVED THAN FEARED... This is me ! Real, Simple, and take it or leave it !!!
Question of the morning?? Who is making my coffee? ahaha My hubby.. (I LOVE HIM SO).. he had all  my stuff ready for me.. all I had to do was push brew. SO,.. I guess.. he made my joe this morning. Thank you Sugarbear !!!
Not squared away at all.. I am bad this morning I am.. but trying to get stuff done a bit so I can retire to the bed. Have no choice in this matter.
Big one this morning.. I wish my morning coffee also came with a NEW BODY.. lol
I will also TRY.. to be the reason someone smiles today, or drinks, and or.. whatever works.. LOL

Message for Monday:
Baking Soda, Clorox, Salt, Rubbing Alcohol, Peroxide, First Aid Supplies, Dehydrated Milk, Can meats, Food ( that preserves well), Bottled Water, Water proof matches ( I have Flint).., Lighters , Candles, Lard, Maybe.. Toilet Paper, Batteries, Weapons, Lots of Ammo, .. That day is coming where you will have to hunker down and just listen. VIGILANCE People... !!! End of Message ~

The Beginning of my Ending....

Well a turn of events y'all… I really need to share  because I had this in my vision and I need to say a few words before it is toooo late.. and a few other reasons too... but, most importantly.. I am over the moon because  my oldest Daughter .. after 7 years finally spoke with me  and things took a HUGE turn in our lives. Yes, I had to call.. but.. we talked , been messaging, and we even all video chatted.. THE FUCKING GREATEST THING IN THE WORLD...
I saw the signs but wasn't sure.. until I knew I had to call and I did, and it was the falling domino WE ALL NEEDED !!!! Blessed Be .💓

I have the cutest Twin Granbabies  in the World.. Just little cutiepatooties.. I tell ya.
SEE !!!!

Hello Beckett Lee & Tilden Ray Snell.... ! Grammy loves you NOW, ALWAYS, & THEN SOME 💕
You both, are even more beautiful in real life,, than you both were in my vision !!!

I may not be able to enjoy a life time with you., but this was all I needed … To have you and your momma & daddy in my life again. I am COMPLETE now and I know you will have a great life and all be happy.. and maybe sometimes.. someone in the family will share a great story or two about me and you guys will get to know me a bit.. I can only hope so !! Maybe you will even get to see a picture or two.. and a bit of the funnies.... But rest assure I WILL ALWAYS BE WITH YOU AND LOOKING OVER YOU BOTH, YOUR BEAUTIFUL MOMMY, AND YOUR DADDY TOO !!!
I have been waiting for you both, I have been waiting to reconnect with your mommy.. and now ALL MY BUSINESS , IN THIS LIFE TIME,.. IS DONE AND I CAN MOVE ON IN PEACE …
I LOVE YOU … I LOVE YOU.. AND I LOVE YOU .. IS ALL I CAN SAY !!!
and... YOU BETTER BE GOOD BOYS BECAUSE GRAMMY WILL BE WATCHING YOU BOTH ..."👀".....💖